Big Girl Underoos

Apparently Wendy's went ahead and raised the prices on everything on their 99 cent menu. I'm pretty sure you aren't allowed to call it the 99 cent menu if the items for sale are at least $1.09 and up. When did this happen*? Why wasn't I informed? I could have saved myself an embarrassing moment in front of a 14 year old sales clerk at the drive-in if I had known. When you're out shopping and you know you only have about $2.31 in change to your name and you think that's going to cut it for two items off the cheapskate menu it is NOT COOL when the price has been raised and you have to stammer "uh, I'm short a dime [and unbelievably lame], can you take one of those items off?" What IS cool however is when you pull up to the next window to pick up the one measly item you could afford and they give you both anyway. Mmmm...Frosty... *According to Wikipedia, "The menu was restructured in 2007 as the Super Value Menu with prices ranging from 99¢ to $2...

I'm sick. I've had a head cold for the last few days. The hardest part however isn't the being sick, it's the guilt I'm feeling at getting nothing accomplished. I was ok the first few days, even canceling a couple clients and social engagements in order to get some rest, but for some reason today I feel like I'm a total slacker. I'm tryingg really hard not to feel bad about vegging on the couch but it's not quite working. I've got things to do! People to see! And I'm not doing any of it. Would I be doing these things even if I felt better? We'll never know.

I would like to make a law banning jogging shorts from all gyms. I have come way too close to seeing male clients goods than I ever want to get. It makes for a very uncomfortable situation. What am I supposed to say? Excuse me sir, I think you need to corral your 'nads? And may I point out that it's never the hot guys who are wearing them. (Not that I want to see their twig and giggle berries either. Cajones* should always be kept in check, even Brad Pitt's.) * I'm trying to use as many slang terms for testicles as I can in this post. Feel free to add some more to the comments section. That's right, it's audience participation time. Follow the bouncing ball! (hee hee)

I always wondered how they made those. Go here for more irreverent and creative looks at the lives of the flotsam and jetsam of our junk drawers and kitchen cabinets.

You know why I love Friendster Guy? Because every so often, despite the fact that he is a manly, NRA card carrying, Republican firefighter, he shows his softer side. Like yesterday when he was downloading music. I hadn't heard the song that was suddenly coming out of the speakers. It had a good beat and I asked, "Is that Brittany Spears?" His reply? "No, it's, uh, Hannah Montana." Gosh you gotta love a guy who isn't afraid of tapping into his inner 9 year old girl.

Guess what? I'm the employee of the month! Freakin' A.

I'm back. I'm tired. Since I'm still on Colorado time my 7am training session this morning felt like it was at 5am. I've never felt more like throwing my alarm clock out the window. I can see why one of these might be cathartic.

News flash: I am currently in the great state of Colorado skiing. This is the first time I have skied anywhere but a local northeast ski area since I learned how to ski last year. Surprisingly, I have not yet entered panic mode at being placed so far out of my comfort zone. In fact, I might even say I'm having fun. Except for the brief stint with altitude sickness earlier today when I got really nauseous. It's not good to be thinking, "Has anyone ever puked off the chairlift before? And might I become one of them in the next 3-5 minutes?" The flight out was also, well, to put it mildly, like riding the vomit comet. It was an exercise in self control. I had to use every weapon in my motion sickness arsenal to stop myself from losing my cookies. I was pinching pressure points, pointing fans, meditating, singing songs to myself and everything else I could think of. This after I'd already had 2 dramine. I don't know if I've mentioned my motion sickness before....

Normal people get songs stuck in their head. But me? I get stupid Star Wars quotes. Whiny, Luke Skywalker, quotes. Apparently, my inner geek is trying to get out. Here's what is on repeat in my head: "But I was gonna go into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!"

Here's a new one. Today someone said to me, "Has anyone ever told you you look like Mike Myers?" Sadly, now that he's said that, I don't actually disagree. Here's hoping he meant the non-costumed Mr. Myers and not, say, Austin Powers, or God forbid, Fat Bastard. Looks like I have a few more Halloween costume options this year. Party on Garth! Yeah baby yeah.

...but not so a marriage. When I got divorced I got to keep the engagement ring. It was beautiful, but obviously unwearable in it's original format, so it's been sitting in my jewelry box for the last 2 and a half years. I tried to sell it last year but wasn't able to. Today, I finally got around to bringing it to a jewelry store to have it converted to a pendant. I'm also having my birthstone added to the setting. In addition, I brought my wedding ring in and I was able to exchange it for, literally, it's weight in gold. Surprisingly enough, and thanks to the current crazy gold market, I got almost what I originally paid for it. All told I'm getting two new pieces of fancy schmancy jewelry for the low cost of about $200. Considering I never paid for the original ring I'd say that's a pretty good deal.

I'm declaring February 22nd a national holiday. Why you may ask? Because today, dear readers, today is the day I tried on, zipped and fit into a pair of Levi's in a size 4. That is correct, a size FOUR. Needless to say, I bought those mo' fos. According to my calculations, and the tag of the last pair of jeans I bought (which I just checked my dropping trow in front of my computer), I skipped right past size six. Didn't even bother to stop and take a little break in the smallest size I ever wore previously. I'd say that's a better reason to celebrate than Ground Hogs Day or Arbor Day, wouldn't you? Hellz yeah.

1) Anything they do on Jackass. 2) Venomous snakes and insects. 3) Adding Space Invaders as a Widget to your blog. I was looking for a debt tracking Widget for my student loans. I didn't find that but I did find the classic game I can remember playing when I was 7. However, I don't even have time to post never mind play games. But, at least if I do get the chance/urge, I don't have to go searching for it, and niether do you. Enjoy!

I've decided that I am going to pay off my student loan this year. All $10,000ish of it. It's a lofty goal but if Friendster Guy continues to accept sexual favors in lieu of rent* I should be all set. I've already applied my tax return to the principle bringing me down closer to $9,000. Since I now get such amazing things as commissions and bonuses in addition to my base salary, I'm going to apply that "extra" money to my loan payments. It's not enough to cover the $900 plus per month I need to pay but I'm feeling ambitious. As long as my car doesn't crap out and FG doesn't mind eating Ramen noodles 2 meals a day, I think it's doable. * Just kidding. That would be prostitution and that's illegal. Not that I wouldn't be up for it. In fact, I've offered FG just that deal but he's too law abiding to accept. Why couldn't I find a nice morally bankrupt boyfriend? Sigh...

Can I ask a potentially stupid question? Why is Congress spending so much time on the baseball steroid thing? Is my life affected by this so-called scandal? Don't they have better things to do than figure out if professional athletes took performance enhancing substances? I'll save them some time. Of course they did! There. Now go spend my tax dollars on something else that actually matters.

I have arrived! One of my weight training/cardio classes gave me an American Gladiator name. Ready for it? Scroll down. (I'm trying to create drama and suspense. Is it working?) My AG name is Devastation . How much does that f'ing rock? (I changed my avatar accordingly.)

In lieu of an actual real post of substance here's an email forward I got from one of my clients. I'm still trying to figure out where they put the camera in order to tape our morning routine. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing a long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc... Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all...

Despite now putting in 12 hour days I love my new job! You would too if this is what your Wednesday looked like In one day I had one of the other trainers go out of their way to tell me I'm looking good, then my boss told the entire staff in a meeting that essentially I'm awesome and she wishes everyone were me, AND one of my clients wrote a letter to my employer telling them how much she loves working with me. I quote, "I want to tell you how absolutely delighted I am with my sessions. Sassy puts me through my paces with good humor, a huge level of energy, and is incredibly thoughtful about how I may be feeling...I cannot thank her enough for her patience, keen observations and really hard work." Yup, yesterday was an awesome day. Quitting my office prisoner position was the best thing I ever did. (And now I will attempt to get my swollen head through the door.)

I have met my tattoo doppelganger. If you are unfamiliar with the term it's because I just made it up. Simply, I have discovered another person with my exact same tramp stamp tattoo. And she is annoying. You know that person in a class who just can't stop talking? That's her. She's in my belly dancing class and she's got this Jerseygirl persona (no offense to Jersey) - gravely voice, teased hair, kinda trashy. Like Fran Dresher only with a lower voice. My only consolation is that she is thinking of having it removed. Please do. Thanks.

...for making me feel better about my winter mustache. During the winter I become as pigmentally challenged as I possibly can, and believe you me, I start out already highly Caucasian and, without a dose of sunlight now and then, I tend toward the translucent end of the Honky spectrum. This coupled with my dark hair color creates a subtle shadow on my upper lip. But, thanks to my new TV and the Today Show in Hi Def I no longer feel upset about it. This morning I was able to see that the lovely Ann Curry (love her!) is also sporting just a subtle amount of fuzz. And if she can do it, so can I. Who needs a depilatory now biatches? Not I, dear readers. Not I. [Startling side note: Would you have guessed that Ann Curry is 51?! Damn. I need better genes.]