Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Hindsight

My girlfriends are now in two camps - on the one side is the "you're moving too fast" group and on the other side is the "You go girl, sow those wild oats." Sometime the two collide and overlap. What my friends who say I am moving too fast think is that I need some "me" time. What they don't quite understand is that I've had "me" time for the last couple of years. I've gone on several vacations by myself, and practically been living with a roomate. In fact, two years ago I even suggested to my spouse that that was what we were. It didn't really cause him to turn up the volume on anything. Here I was asking for a partnership, passion, and connection and nothing really happened.


I didn't realize it at the time but in hindsight I've been exploring my life as a single person for about a year or so, safely and with no malice. Just testing the waters - was I comfortable thinking about myself with someone else or being all alone? Emotionally? Physically? Two years ago I would have said no. The idea of someone new seeing me naked or vulnerable scared me. The idea of coming home to an empty apartment scared me even more. But over the last year, as I realized more and more that my husband and I were more friends than spouses, and I stopped thinking there was something wrong with me because he didn't seem attracted to me, the idea of being with another person or on my own started to lose its fear factor. I never cheated on my husband but when I got to the point where I was very tempted, I realized that was the time when I needed to talk to him and also determine for myself what the hell was going on. I was not interested in breaking up because of some other person. Obviously there was something else going on - or not going on - in my relationship for me to even consider it. I'm not the kind of person that doesn't think of the consequences of their actions. On the contrary, I'm often stifled by what I think might be the consequences. This is why the "You're going too fast" camp is not the one I want to be in right now. I know the consequences. Or can at least imagine some of them. I'm not ready for a deep relationship with someone I just met (dreamboy was an exception) but I am ready to date and flirt and feel good about myself. A relationship will happen eventually, probably when and where I least expect it.

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