Thursday, September 28, 2006

Premature edecoration

Last night, something caught my eye on my drive home. That something was an insanely decorated house - lights, glowing figurines, the whole nine yards. At first I thought, "Wow, those people go all out for Halloween!" That is until I saw the Santa Claus. That's right. These people have put up all their lights and are proudly showcasing the coming Xmas season in SEPTEMBER.

It's time for me to go into my cocoon until December 26th. Ugh.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Joke of the day

BUTT MEASUREMENT

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

Bahdumbum.
Happy Humpday everyone.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

When did the morality police replace doctors?

If a strong-willed, well-informed, capable woman can't get access to Emergency Contraception (EC), who can? (Read and be ready to be indignant.)

I'm pretty sure the hippocratic oath* starts with "First, do no harm." As harmful things that happen to a female body go, pregnancy is right up there. Doctors who have criteria for EC should be summarily fired, have their license taken away, and be reprimanded publicly. If I had a moral problem with part of my job I'd either be forced to take a new one, or suck it up. Suck it up! It's not your life you're fucking with. And who I am fucking with is also none of your business.

If the crazy abortion people were smart, they'd start killing** the doctors who won't provide EC because if women (your mothers, sisters, daughters, selves) have easy access to EC they don't get abortions. Duh! No one actually wants an abortion, they just don't want to be pregnant.

Well, that's a way to get my blood boiling first thing in the morning.

* Fuck. The text of the Hippocratic oath says, "Nor will I give a woman a pessary to procure abortion." Who the hell follows oaths nowadays anyway? Plus, EC isn't abortion. It's a stopgap before conception. IF you can get it soon enough.

** I am not advocating the killing of anyone. I'm just saying, logically, there are alternatives to bombing abortion clinics. Granted, logic is not really involved in such acts but whatever.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Happy Banned Book Week!

Here's a list for you revolutionaries who want to fight the man, and get all controversial and subversive and shit.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

The Upper Valley strikes again.

Why does this always seem to happen to me?

You long term readers may remember way back, during my post-divorce dating frenzy, when I went on a date with this guy here, aka You're Beautiful Guy. He was one of many dates but somehow managed to be the most forgettable. For a long time I couldn't even remember his name.

And yet, in the last two weeks, Friendster Guy and I have run into him not once, but twice. And this isn't your run of the mill run into someone at the grocery store or post office. The first time was a couple weekends ago when we were climbing a mountain. That's right, a mountain. We saw a total of maybe twenty people that day. One just happened to be You're Beautiful Guy. Then today, we're at a restaurant about half an hour from home and we're the only ones in this particular room. Who gets seated at the table next to us? You guessed it. Luckily my back was turned and he didn't see me. I saw him via a mirror on the wall when he got up at some point. Given his lack of... je ne sais quoi, I doubt he'd remember me. Thank goodness for small favors.

It's going to turn into a game - where will he pop up next!?

For more exciting "Coincidences in the Life of Sassy Pants" go back to my recent experience here.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Don't know why girls go for the bad boys

A few days ago Friendster Guy and I had a "discussion" wherein I got my feelings hurt but he proceeded to feel worse than I did because he had hurt my feelings. This makes him one of the good guys. The difference, I am discovering, between a good guy and a jerk is that a jerk will walk into your feelings like a bull in a china shop - knowing full well where he is and what he's doing: crash, bang, boom! - whereas a good guy will get in there and realize, "Oh shit! I thought this was the linens department. My bad!"

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Celebrate good times! C'mon! It's a celebration!

Today is the 1 year anniversary of the day I asked for a divorce. I think some sort of celebration is in order.

But what does one do to celebrate such a thing? Thoughts?

Monday, September 18, 2006

If I can't find the initiative, how can I take it?

I'm back at work after three days off. I don't know where to begin. I have stacks of things that were either here when I left, came back to me from where they went to get approvals and such, or are new. It's too early in the morning to choose what to do first so, logically, I decided to blog. I figure whatever gets my finger typing and my creative juices flowing is a good thing. I also have the entire office to myself today. This is good and bad. Good in that it's quiet and nothing new will be coming at me today but bad in that I can't feed off anyone else's energy.

My first step is to finish eating my bagel so I won't get cream cheese all over the files. Then, I will regroup, look at the piles, prioritize and try not to be overwhelmed. One thing at a time. You know those days where you have so much to do you don't even know where to begin? I'm in one only I'm still so tired I have yet to reach more than a dull "gosh I have a lot to do." I'm sure as soon as this bagel kicks in things could get crazy. My goal: To be inspired to get things done instead of sitting in a panic freaking out about the whole thing.

Ok, bagel is complete. Cross one thing off my To Do list. Off I go to tackle 150 more! Good luck in your endeavors as well.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

I need someone to dress me.

So dear readers, you know how I love to share personal details about my life with you? Here's a new one. I was wearing thong underwear today and it took me half the day to realize that not only did I have them on inside out, but I also had them on sideways. And the oddest part? They were honestly more comfortable that way.

I am concerned though. Was I really that asleep when I dressed myself in the morning? It's amazing I left the hotel actually wearing pants. Good grief.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Hitting the road

I'm going to be out of town for a few days pretending to be a professional. I somehow managed to get on the search committee for the Director of Alumni Relations at my Alma Mater and we're conducting interviews this week. I've never been on a search committee so it should be interesting. I do feel pretty important though. I'll have to keep remembering that on the 8 hour drive down there and back. Ugh.

Have a great week!

Saturday, September 09, 2006

From Couch Potato to Bibliophiliac

Interesting revelations have been happening since I took the advice of the Kill Your Television bumper stickers. For one, I haven't had withdrawal. I thought I'd miss it but I really don't. I've caught some TV now and then at friends' houses and I can honestly say I am not missing much. (There was that Project Runway marathon I got sucked into while on vacation at the beach but I've managed to get back on the wagon.) For the most part it's useless drivel - especially whatever passes for "News" nowadays. I'm not knocking all shows. I like to be entertained as much as the next person, but I'm now doing it via Netflix where I can choose the timing of when to watch it and also avoid the ads.

What I have also come to discover was how much TV had control over me. First of all it had control over my time. I would often find myself stressed out and even angry if I wasn't going to get home in time to watch "my shows." You know you've had those days where you're sitting in traffic and screaming, perhaps aloud, "Goddamn you people! Green means go! I've got to get home to watch [insert current TV show obsession here]!!!" This stress carried over into my home as well - for instance, trying to wash the dishes during the commercials but not being able to see or hear the TV from the sink therefore running back and forth all soapy, "Is it back on yet?"

Worst of all was when I'd dread that a family member was gonna call. During. My. Show! Doesn't my father KNOW how important Friends/House/CSI/Biggest Loser is? And I'd be short with him just to get off the phone. "Uh huh. Yup. Yeah, job's good. Boyfriend's good. Yup. Weather, good. Check. Nothing else going on. Gotta go! Bye!" The only time I was a good daughter and called him was as a preemptive strike to make sure we talked that week when something crappy was on, or it was before 8pm, Prime Time. That's a pretty sad way to conduct a relationship.

One thing I do not miss are all the ads. I have not had a single craving for fast food in the last two months. I've almost forgotten about it. I also don't get many magazines, and I've been listening to books on tape instead of the radio so nothing has forced itself into my consciousness to buy, buy, buy! I've almost cut advertising completely out of my life. I realized how insidious it is recently while at the gym reading a Vanity Fair that was lying around. I saw an add for shoes, very spiky, high heeled, haute couture shoes and thought, "Wow, those are nice. They look sexy. I'd like a pair." This despite the fact that I don't even like high heels. I'm even currently trying to move to all flats to protect my pelvic girdle, knees, and tootsie wootsies. But the glossiness, the sexiness, the very "you must have this" aura of the ad sucked me in.

I will say that a few years down the road when the new edition of Trivia Pursuit comes out I am going to be hopelessly out of touch with the Entertainment catrgory and, hell, even current events. I did break down and subscribe to Time recently just so I can at least know a little bit about what is going on in the world. Plus, it makes great bathroom reading.

All in all, without TV I feel less stress. I feel like I have more time to do other things. One of those other things is reading. I have become a book whore. I can't get enough. I am literally in the process of reading or listening to a total of seven, yes seven, books. I have one in the bedroom(The Stone Diaries), one in the bathroom (A Brief History of Nearly Everything) (which will have to move to accommodate Time), two on my table for meal reading (Getting things Done and The Four Obsessions of an Extraordinary Executive- my boss is having me read this one), one at work (Not Buying It) , one CD in my car (A Very Long Engagement), and one at Friendster Guy's (Stranger in a Strange Land). I would never have thought I would be able to keep track but I can. Instead of the plots and characters of 4 shows every night for 5 nights and some on the weekend (that's about 20 programs), I only have to keep track of 7. So actually, I've downsized!

A year ago I couldn't have imagined saying this but you should think about killing your TV. It's worth it. And for unexpected reasons.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

KY and the Mile High Club

My Mom just flew to Maryland and found out the following about what is and isn't allowed on an airplane:

"I was checking on the TSA website to see what was allowed and found that "personal lube", i.e. KY, is actually ALLOWED in carry-on (up to 4 oz.) as a medically necessary, non-prescription liquid/gel. Sample-sized toothpaste - no, Carmex - no (even though chapstick is allowed), mascara - no. I've been wracking my brain for an actual medicinal use that may arise (no pun intended) during a flight, but have yet to think of one. I am totally flummoxed!"

My theory? The TSA doesn't want the mile highers to be taking too much time in the bathroom.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

WTF?!

I just clicked on Granny Gets a Vibrator in my blog role and it got me to some search engine where it had automatically typed in "black vibrator" and given me results.

Not cool!

I didn't change the link, it just did some weird internet reroute thing on its own

Where oh where have you gone Granny?!

Too close for comfort

And in the category of "Can my life get any freaking weirder?" we have the following:

My X - Does Friendster Guy live in Maple Grove condos?

Me - Yes, why?

X - I saw your car there.

Me - Oh, you must have been visiting R's [a friend of both of ours from college who recently moved up here] friend, D. R mentioned D lived in Maple Grove.

X - Uh. Not D. Well...it was one of R's friends, but a girl.

Me - Oh!

So pretty much there may be a morning where I leave FG's place, look down the parking lot a little way, and see my X doing the same walk of shame that I am. Great.

*Sassy pants shakes her head*

That is what we in these here parts call an Upper Valley moment. You'll recognize it if you live in small town America.

It's kind of like the time my step-mother, with her then first husband, looked at my childhood home when my parents (the original configuration) were selling it because they were getting a divorce. Good times. Or when my father and my step-father shared a Uhaul when they moved to Boston from northern NH for college. It makes you realize why the government required a pre-marital blood test - you have to make darn tootin' sure you're not related somehow.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Contagious

I think that slug thing is going around.

The only purpose to my existence on Sunday was to make sure the couch didn't start floating away. And I did a really good job too. I held it down for hours.