Thursday, February 28, 2008

asphinctersayswhat?

Here's a new one.

Today someone said to me, "Has anyone ever told you you look like Mike Myers?"

Sadly, now that he's said that, I don't actually disagree. Here's hoping he meant the non-costumed Mr. Myers and not, say, Austin Powers, or God forbid, Fat Bastard.

Looks like I have a few more Halloween costume options this year. Party on Garth!

Yeah baby yeah.


Wednesday, February 27, 2008

A diamond is forever...

...but not so a marriage.

When I got divorced I got to keep the engagement ring. It was beautiful, but obviously unwearable in it's original format, so it's been sitting in my jewelry box for the last 2 and a half years. I tried to sell it last year but wasn't able to. Today, I finally got around to bringing it to a jewelry store to have it converted to a pendant. I'm also having my birthstone added to the setting. In addition, I brought my wedding ring in and I was able to exchange it for, literally, it's weight in gold. Surprisingly enough, and thanks to the current crazy gold market, I got almost what I originally paid for it.

All told I'm getting two new pieces of fancy schmancy jewelry for the low cost of about $200. Considering I never paid for the original ring I'd say that's a pretty good deal.

Friday, February 22, 2008

New National Holiday!

I'm declaring February 22nd a national holiday.

Why you may ask?

Because today, dear readers, today is the day I tried on, zipped and fit into a pair of Levi's in a size 4. That is correct, a size FOUR. Needless to say, I bought those mo' fos. According to my calculations, and the tag of the last pair of jeans I bought (which I just checked my dropping trow in front of my computer), I skipped right past size six. Didn't even bother to stop and take a little break in the smallest size I ever wore previously. I'd say that's a better reason to celebrate than Ground Hogs Day or Arbor Day, wouldn't you? Hellz yeah.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Things that are dangerous

1) Anything they do on Jackass.

2) Venomous snakes and insects.

3) Adding Space Invaders as a Widget to your blog. I was looking for a debt tracking Widget for my student loans. I didn't find that but I did find the classic game I can remember playing when I was 7. However, I don't even have time to post never mind play games. But, at least if I do get the chance/urge, I don't have to go searching for it, and niether do you. Enjoy!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

See ya Sallie Mae!

I've decided that I am going to pay off my student loan this year. All $10,000ish of it.

It's a lofty goal but if Friendster Guy continues to accept sexual favors in lieu of rent* I should be all set.

I've already applied my tax return to the principle bringing me down closer to $9,000. Since I now get such amazing things as commissions and bonuses in addition to my base salary, I'm going to apply that "extra" money to my loan payments. It's not enough to cover the $900 plus per month I need to pay but I'm feeling ambitious. As long as my car doesn't crap out and FG doesn't mind eating Ramen noodles 2 meals a day, I think it's doable.

* Just kidding. That would be prostitution and that's illegal. Not that I wouldn't be up for it. In fact, I've offered FG just that deal but he's too law abiding to accept. Why couldn't I find a nice morally bankrupt boyfriend? Sigh...

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Our tax dollars at work.

Can I ask a potentially stupid question?

Why is Congress spending so much time on the baseball steroid thing?

Is my life affected by this so-called scandal?

Don't they have better things to do than figure out if professional athletes took performance enhancing substances?

I'll save them some time. Of course they did! There. Now go spend my tax dollars on something else that actually matters.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Now all I need is a boob job and steroids.

I have arrived!

One of my weight training/cardio classes gave me an American Gladiator name.

Ready for it?

Scroll down.









(I'm trying to create drama and suspense. Is it working?)






















My AG name is Devastation.

How much does that f'ing rock? (I changed my avatar accordingly.)

Showers

In lieu of an actual real post of substance here's an email forward I got from one of my clients. I'm still trying to figure out where they put the camera in order to tape our morning routine.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing a long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc... Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower and stand on bathmat. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband
along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound. Look at your physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass. Get in the shower, wash your face, wash your armpits. Pee. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend the majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck to the soap. Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of
the shower. Avoid bathmat. Dry off forearms and butt only. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of the tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the"woo-woo" sound again! Throw wet towel on bed.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Ego tripping

Despite now putting in 12 hour days I love my new job! You would too if this is what your Wednesday looked like

In one day I had one of the other trainers go out of their way to tell me I'm looking good, then my boss told the entire staff in a meeting that essentially I'm awesome and she wishes everyone were me, AND one of my clients wrote a letter to my employer telling them how much she loves working with me. I quote, "I want to tell you how absolutely delighted I am with my sessions. Sassy puts me through my paces with good humor, a huge level of energy, and is incredibly thoughtful about how I may be feeling...I cannot thank her enough for her patience, keen observations and really hard work."

Yup, yesterday was an awesome day. Quitting my office prisoner position was the best thing I ever did.

(And now I will attempt to get my swollen head through the door.)

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Tattwo

I have met my tattoo doppelganger.

If you are unfamiliar with the term it's because I just made it up. Simply, I have discovered another person with my exact same tramp stamp tattoo.

And she is annoying.

You know that person in a class who just can't stop talking? That's her. She's in my belly dancing class and she's got this Jerseygirl persona (no offense to Jersey) - gravely voice, teased hair, kinda trashy. Like Fran Dresher only with a lower voice.

My only consolation is that she is thinking of having it removed. Please do. Thanks.