Tuesday, October 30, 2007

T-minus 4 days...

It's my last week as an office prisoner!


And next week, I move in with Friendster Guy!

Why can't I ever do one crazy thing at a time?

Oh well!

Off to purge my files!

Friday, October 26, 2007

The twilight zone, in pastels.

This is just horrifying. You simply must go the link and click on the parts of this product. The commercial below is bad - "I love when my laundry gets so clean/taking care of my home is a dream, dream, dream!" (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little) but the website promotional material is even worse.




Yes, when I was a kid I did have a mini-stove, mini-fridge and various and sundry baby care products (cribs, strollers, etc.) Not that I played with them. I was more of a builder than a caretaker - Legos, Lincoln Logs, blocks, couch cushions... However, the toys I had in the homemaker ilk were inherited from my Aunt. Ergo, these toys were from the actual 50s when, if we are to believe television programming from that time, all women wore aprons (unless they were harlots) and men had a refreshing cocktail placed in their hand upon returning home from work.

My niece does own a "kitchen" (several actually - somehow all her grandparents ended up with one. I have enough of a hard time keeping my own kitchen clean nevermind one in miniature) but the person that plays with her in it the most is her Dad. They play what I can only define as "Diner." He barks orders at her as if she's a short orded cook and she fills them gleefully. This is somehow much different from the way this "cottage" is being marketed. If I didn't know any better, I'd think it was a Saturday Night Live parody. It's so riddled with god-awful stereotypes that I can't even stand it. *Shudder*

Thanks Finslippy aka AlphaMom for the head's up. Ack.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

ESP for MSG

*ring, ring*

Friendster Guy - Hello?

Sassy - Hey! You know what I was thinking?

FG - Indian takeout.

Sassy - See! THIS is why I love you.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Mmmm...


Dear Past Sassy,

Thank you very much for thinking ahead and grabbing that blueberry scone from the break room yesterday for me to eat for breakfast today. That was very thoughtful of you...me...us.

Current Sassy

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Aaaalmost free! Less than two weeks left of my desk job (and steady paycheck. Eek!)

If you haven't been to Bent Objects yet, you simply must go. You'll never look at produce or your junk drawer the same way again.


Monday, October 22, 2007

I'm thinking of a number...

It's official, I am thick in the middle.

According to the bridal store where I am ordering a bridesmaid's dress for my brother's wedding, my measurements indicate that:

My bust is size 8
My hips are size 8
My waist is size 14!

Doh!

It's amazing how quickly learning an arbitrary number will send you tumbling into a fit of lowered self-esteem despite being at an all time thinness/fitness level. The #14 totally trumped the fact that I have been able to tighten my belt 2 whole notches. Stupid numbers. I'll get over it though and it'll just make me work that much harder. Entire body size 8 here I come!

Friday, October 19, 2007

Only two more weeks...

If my reaction to the pile awaiting me on my chair this morning is any indication, I don't think I'm going to make it through the next two weeks at work, at least not without being a total bitch.

Case in point: In August (August!) I drafted one of many letters and put it on my boss's desk for her to proof/approve. Yesterday, she hands it back to me, says the first sentence is outdated (Duh! "Hope you're enjoying your summer" worked back in AUGUST when you should have read it.) and that she hadn't read the rest because...I don't know. The rest of it was just information we needed to share, nothing "dated" because that was just the letter's preamble before it got down to business.

Would it be too much to ask that after 6 weeks, she read the whole thing and let me fix it all at once? No, she wanted me to fix the first sentence and give it back to her again before she read it through. Then she said I should have come into her office, rifled through her desk to find this folder, and have updated without her having to tell me. It was 6 weeks ago lady! Should I have updated it every 2 weeks? Once a week? Only when the seasons officially changed? WTF? I'm sorry, but your lack of action does not mean I should keep doing lame ass work to make sure everything is up to date. I'm plenty busy without having to babysit you too. Grrr...

I think if I am bitchy, it may be justifiable.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

My next car will be a hybrid

If anyone doubts that cars give off a hell of a lot of nasty emissions, they should try jogging through a business/light industrial park at shift change. Holy crap, I almost asphyxiated yesterday. Blech.


Wednesday, October 17, 2007

The hits just keep on comin'

I was innocently standing in the shower this morning when I realized I had the following song in my head.



I don't even know any of the words. I was just chanting over and over "September morn...something, something, something...became a brand new day."

Once I realized I had a Neil Diamond ear worm, my brain decided I should go through his whole library in snippets. Like a Time Life Audio Collection commercial - September morn...Sweeet Caroline, bah, bah, bah...They're comin' to America! Today!...

I suppose of all the artists I was forced to listen to in car rides growing up, Neil Diamond isn't the worst. It could have been John Denver. Or the Muppets. Or, the muppets and John Denver (Although, I am ashamed to admit, I do own this CD and I love it. Oh yes I do.)

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

...but sometimes, you get what you need.

It's time for another installment of "How'd you get referred here?"

Site Meter sends me a weekly email where I can see how people found this site. Most weeks it's pretty boring - underoos, underoos, underoos, and things having to do with big girls.

This week I had a few more fun ones and I have decided to give them categories (I've added symbols to some so as not to encourage extra pervertial visitation):

For longest, most specific search string: "girl tak1ng bathing $uit bottoms off with big b00bs" (I assume she is supposed to have large b00bs, not actually be using them to remove the bottom. Although if it's the latter, and someone finds it, send me a link. That's just something I'd want to see.)

For strangest breakfast menu: "Big b00bs with eggs"

For best foreign search: "llena de merde" (translation: full of shit)

For shortest and sweetest search: "Spice b00bs"

And last, but not least, for randomest search: "Dunkin Donuts flow chart"

Which, when I too put it in a search engine, led me to this diatribe against dumb commercials (including the commercial below which I had not seen), but not to my blog.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Happy F'ing Monday

You know what puts a girl in a good mood?

Waking up in an apartment that has yet to have it's heat turned on despite several nights where it has dropped below 40.

I'd be more bitchy about it if I slept there more often. Or if I wasn't moving in 3 weeks (whoohoo!). I've already packed all my books and niknaks. I had thought about packing up some blankets but thank god I didn't. I needed those things last night! Brrrr....

UPDATE: No heat at work either! Seriously? I'm very glad to be going to the gym this afternoon. Even if they didn't have heat, I could generate my own on the treadmill.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

It's growing where?!

Dear Universe,

Sorry to bother you again, but nipple hair? WTF?

You've got to be kidding me.

Sassy

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

A Quick Plea

Dear Universe,

You can stop reminding me why I quit my job. I have no regrets so feel free to ease up on the office shenanigans. Really, I'm good.

Thanks,

Sassy Pants

P.S. What's with all the pimples?

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Clutter Chaos Part Deux

An update on the chaos mentioned in my last post -

I was going to simply challenge my mother to an "Age Purge," i.e. getting rid of one thing for how old you are, but then I decided that part of my mother's problem is my brother, and if I was going to get my brother to do anything I probably needed to get my sister involved so it all spiraled into a purging competition for my whole family.

I have offered anyone in my family who purges their age in stuff by Sunday a $5 gift certificate to Friendly's. And whoever purges the most stuff above and beyond their age will get a grand prize - probably some sort of bottle of alcohol (unless my niece wins in which case I have no idea what I'll do yet.) So far, my mom, sister, niece, and Friendster Guy (tentatively) have signed on. If you'd like to join us (no prizes, just a feeling of freedom), here is some inspiration.

Fly Lady's Baby steps program (Thanks Anonymous)
Expiration dates of common household stuff
Clean Sweep This will either give you ideas, or make you feel better about your own mess. (Except in my mom's case wherein she'll realize her rooms are just as bad and she needs help.)

The biggest thing to remember is to purge BEFORE you organize. My Mom has already emailed me and said she wants to cover storage boxes with leftover wallpaper first and then use them to sort the stuff in the bathroom. I've tried to gently tell her she's on crack and just needs to throw shit out. In addition, she says she's going to try to use all the myriad lotions in the cabinet instead of throwing them out (are you sensing the problem here?) No matter how much she tries or wants to, it's not going to happen and shouldn't - some of it is older than my brother, and he's 23. I sent her the expiration date link in the hopes that it will alleviate her guilt at tossing things.

No wonder I'm so organized. It's like not drinking because your parents were alcoholics. I'm rebelling against my upbringing. Good lord.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Clutter and Chaos

I went to my mother's this weekend. Also there were my sister, her husband, my niece (5), my nephew (3 weeks), their dog, my brother, his fiance, their dog, my mother, my step-father, and their cat. 7 adults, 2 children, and 3 pets. (Needless to say, Friendster Guy was glad he was not there.)

This, in and of itself, is not generally a problem. We all get along and are fairly small people so don't take up a lot of room. However. What is also in the house is a mess. A huge, twenty years in the making, mess. With a capital M. Stuff everywhere. Clean Sweep levels of stuff. Exascerbated by the fact that my brother and his fiance were evicted from their apartment and decided to save money before their wedding in April by moving back in with Mom. Their stuff is taking up two rooms (I went home a few weeks ago and literally emptied "my" bedroom closest of all the flotsam and jetsom of my youth in order to make room for them. My sister did as well.) In addition, my grandmother sold her snowbird house and dropped a whole bunch of the furniture at my Mom's. But, that does not completely explain the magnitude of the problem.

What does is this: My Mom has an issue with throwing things, specifically things that might have belonged to other people at one point, out. She'll readily admit this. It stems from a time when her father threw out a puzzle she used to do with her grandmother. He didn't know it had sentimental value to her, he just knew it wasn't in good shape. So, in order to not traumatize any of her children, she has never thrown anything out. Things will sit on coffee tables, shelves, mantels, hallway floors, or wherever else they landed - on purpose or accidentally - for years. Literally. This also includes foodstuff. I believe there are spice packets and jello in my Mom's pantry from when I was in high school. No one uses them because they are too old, but no one throws them away either. If something is deemed unnecessary, it doesn't actually leave the house, it simply moves to the basement.

I am absolutely petrified that my parents are going to die and my siblings and I are going to have to remove 13 tons of useless, where the hell did this come from and why is it still here, stuff from the house.

My sister and I just talked on the phone and feel we need to do some sort of intervention. Whether that means taking over the house while my mother is gone as a surprise, or doing it while she is there we don't know. We'll get rid of more if she's gone but we might mistakenly toss something that'll freak her out. It is a massive undertaking. The house has 4 bedrooms, an office, two bathrooms, a craftroom/laundry room (that I "Clean Sweeped" once already with my mother and has gone back to chaos), a toy room that my niece never uses because it is too stuffed, a living room, kitchen, dining room, basement, foyer (that is never used because you can't open the front door, again, because of stuff), and a stairwell/hallway area that is a firehazard and deadly.

The only way to do it right is to empty a room at a time, maybe into the garage, and purge like mad. I don't know how that will happen but it needs to. We're now getting into air quality issues - there is mold on the bathroom ceiling.

It's bad. So bad. I'm sure my mother is overwhelmed. I would be.

Maybe I can start by challenging my mother to a purge. I have been planning to do a 31 things purge, and almost have that many things ready to be donated, but maybe if I tell her I'm doing it this weekend, and we "start" at the same time, and call each other with encouragement, it could happen. Hmm...that might just work.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Bizarre, but useful?

How convenient! An exercise video wherein you get a workout AND learn enough English to hail a cab, beg a mugger not to kill you, get your boss off your back, and get out of paying for a date.

My nephew in...Gold Diaper


I am cute, no? Look deep into my eyes. You are getting sleepy. Veeery, veery sleepy. You are feeling like you want to do things for me, yes? Maybe you want to get me a nice bottle of milk. Or my favorite toy?
Or, perhaps, one meellion dollars?

Thursday, October 04, 2007

When it rains it pours

Dear Universe, Blogosphere, Yoda and David Hasselhoff,

Remember a couple weeks ago when I asked you to give me a sign that I should quit and the very next day my boss's boss pulled some lame ass stupid unnecessary shit and made me realize that I could never survive until Thanksgiving. Remember? Yeah, that was cool. Thanks.

I don't really have a lot to beseech thee about today but I would like to make a request or two. Mostly, what I'm looking for is the ability to recognize when I too am doing lame ass unnecessary shit (preferrably before anyone else does). I think I'm doing pretty good so far but I tend to get grandiose ideas that are great but unnecessary at the moment. For instance, I'd love to create a newsletter for my clients. Would it be great if I gave them one? Yes. But is it necessary right now when I don't even know what exercises I'm going to do with them? No. Ergo, I need to be stopped before I play with any more Word templates. (By the by, I believe Word was created by the devil and Jerry Falwell to make every project 300 times harder than necessary. I just want to import a picture. Is that too much to friggin' ask? IS IT?!!! *deep breath* I'm ok now. Really. I'm ok. I'm going to my happy place. John Cusack and Eric Bana are meeting me there. *exhale*)

What I'd also like to ask is that you grant my friends and family the patience to deal with me whilst I neglect them this month. It just isn't going to be possible for me to be all things to all people, or even small things to a couple of people. I'm going to try, but sweet Flying Spaghetti Monster, it ain't going to be easy. I know things will come back to an even keel once my schedule settles down but October is probably a wash. I haven't even thought about my Halloween costume yet and usually by this time I have 3 homemade ones already done and ready for public consumption. This year, it's not going to happen. I'll throw on a graduation robe, some round glasses and call myself Harry Potter. I already have the scarf.

In addition, and this is just an FYI, Friendster Guy had an offer on a condo accepted and we're now going to be moving early next month. Crazy in bulk. It's what I do.

To recap: I'm looking for help saying no (to my own self as well as others), and patience and forgiveness from friends and family for sheer and utter neglect. And if you'd like to throw in some nice boxes for packing, I wouldn't say no.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

What doesn't kill us...

...makes us want to kill other people.

If I survive the next month or two trying to close out one job while gearing up into another, totally unrelated and unfamiliar, second job, it'll be a miracle.

I sense a meltdown on the horizon.

I also sense a very neglected blog.

Sorry about that. Talk amongst yourselves.