Friday, September 28, 2007

Joy! Rapture! Procrastination?

Today is my last full day* as an office prisoner.

Which means, obviously, that I have absolutely no motivation to do anything.

In addition, my boss and one co-worker are out today, and my final co-worker is out this afternoon. Can you say "Sassy is going to get nothing done?"

Check out more of these fabulously true whozeewhatsits at Despair, Inc.

And for your Friday entertainment, a little something my Mom sent to me:

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom, are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.


* If you are following along and playing the Big Girl Underoos home game, you know that in Oct I'll be working half time in the morning.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Stars(and stripes)Struck

Whilst talking to my friend at the gym:

Friend: Blah, blah, blah, Hillary Clinton blah, blah, blah, debates are causing too much traffic, blah, blah, blah, Barak Obama...

Me: *gasp!*

Friend: What?

Me: (leaning in and whispering) He's right behind you!

Friend: No!

Me: Yes! He's on the treadmill behind you!

Friend: Oh my god! [she swivels around to see (not a move I would advise while on an elliptical machine)] (Then, to Barak who has obviously just seen our exchange or at least her twisting) Hi!

Me (to Barak): We were just going to start talking about you.

Barak: All good I hope!

Us: Absolutely! (smile, smile, giggle, smile)

Friend: (referencing the debates and all the signage, campaigners, and headaches) We were just saying that here in New Hampshire we're bombarded by all the candidates and the chaos that follows them around.

Barak: (nods politely and smiles in understanding.)

Me: It's ok though, we like red, white and blue in New Hampshire (internal groan acknowledging cheesiness of statement).

Us: Good luck tonight!

Barak: Thanks!

That wasn't too terribly cheesy of me was it? Profound meaningful statements do not come to to person when one is surprised in the gym like that. I'll tell you what, I stayed there talking to my friend longer than I would have simply to be in his line of sight. And you know how if there is a cute guy in the room whose attention you want all of a sudden you and your friends are infinitely more funny and you laugh a lot and more loudly to call attention to yourself? Yeah. I totally did that. I was inadvertently one-sided flirting with a Presidential candidate.

Dear Monica - I kinda get it.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Will wonders never cease

I have a client!

And I start training her tonight!

Holy heck, I'm a personal trainer!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The courage to change ones convictions

Wow. Just wow. If only all our public officials could search there souls (yes, some of them have them) and have the courage not only to change their minds but to act on it.

Here's a clip of the Republican mayor of San Diego explaining his change of heart when it came to a bill to allow gay marriage (granted, he was ok with civil unions so he was already more liberal than some Republicans but still.) It's really moving.

Thanks Michael J. for the heads up


If you were on a weight loss/fitness mission and had someone providing you with weekly information and a challenge on a subject, what would you want to hear about?

For example:

  • The benefits of drinking water and how to drink more throughout the day
  • Doing the math - BMI, target weight range, how long will it take to get to your goal...
  • Excuses, Excuses - What are yours and how to get past them

I'm taking over a 12 week weight loss program at a corporation and I have to come up with a challenge (like drinking the recommended amount of water every day for a week) and accompanying materials and inspiration. I have a bunch of ideas but I'd love to hear yours. What do you think would be helpful to learn more about? What article subjects catch your eye if you're looking at magazine covers?

Or, alternatively, what is the best piece of advice you've ever gotten regarding fitness and weight loss?

P.S. You know how there is always one scale you use that never budges. You're always 5 pounds heavier on it than you think you are? The scale in my gym locker room is that sort of evil machine. Except, yesterday, it actually registered my recent weight loss! I'm not going to lie, I did a happy dance in my towel. I think planning my meals at home with FG, instead of going out to eat 4-6 times per week, has really helped. That, and upping the weights I'm lifting in my workouts. Who knew that the things they tell you to do actually work? And who knew that I'd be the "they" being referenced in that last sentence? I'm still surprised by this whole turn of events. Weird.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Ooooooooohmmm versus OH MY GOD!

It's official - my last day is November 2nd! This is my last week as a full time office prisoner. Next week I go to half time. In November, I am free.

If I am poor and destitute as a result, so be it.

I'd rather keep my sanity than my savings.

I think...

Friday, September 21, 2007

If you quit it, they will come.

Dear Universe, Blogosphere, Yoda, and Kevin Costner,

I have a conundrum. I need to decide by next week whether or not to be done my current office prisoner job (working half days) by the end of October, or stretch it out until the end of November.

On the one hand, the guaranteed cash flow, even at 50%, would reduce my stress immeasurably. (I don't have any clients yet). On the other hand, any stress relief based on money will be counter acted by still having to go to this job everyday. (Plus, I won't have a flexible schedule in which to meet with clients once I get some because I'll be at my "day job.") The question is, will I burn out from having two jobs, or freak out because I have no money or benefits?

To be honest, right now, I'd much rather not have the job. I can only imagine that as my time comes to an end I will be even less enamored with the things I am already annoyed with. And living a double life will be rough. I can imagine dropping the ball in both places and not being the best employee for either company. There's nothing like screwing up ALL aspects of your life to make a girl feel confident. And speaking of all aspects of my life...

Since I like to do crazy in bulk, the other thing I have on my plate is a move. Essentially, whenever my apartment is dirty, I get a new one. Since I graduated from college nine years ago in 1998 I have changed domiciles 6 times: 1998 to TX, 1999 to new bigger/cheaper apt, 2000 to NH, 2002 to purchased condo, 2005 to new apt post divorce, 2006 to new apt closer to work. Now, I'm about to add a seventh move to co-habitate with your favorite bloggy boyfriend and mine, Friendster Guy!

That's right world. We have progressed to the next relationship stage, or at least the part where we start looking at places that would suit us. It's also being partly instigated by the fact that FG is getting kicked out of his apartment because his landlord is selling it. Things just fall into place like that Universe, which is why I beseech thee to provide me with a sign. Anything that will aid me in determining whether I fight it out at this job until Thanksgiving, or give up the ghost at Halloween (no pun intended, but it sure was worth it).

The groan that escaped me while thinking about still being here for Thanksgiving may have been a sign in and of itself.

Why is this so difficult? And is it really already that close to Christmas? (I will not freak out, I will not freak out...)

Thursday, September 20, 2007

The Power of Numbers

Sometime this morning my Sitemeter counter counted 25,000 visits! That's 5,000 return visits per each of my five readers! Helped only slightly by the perverts who find this site accidentally by typing in lude things having to do with "big girls." Thanks for stopping by!

In other news, I appear to have accidentally lost 3 pounds! Holy crap. If you find them, I don't want them back. Pass them on to someone who needs them, like your local celebutante. I haven't weighed myself in about 2 weeks but I also haven't been working harder at the gym (no clients yet, and I still have my office prisoner day job full time until October when I go half time and become poor.) or watching what I eat, except as it was consumed by my gaping maw. In fact, if you'd asked me before I stepped on the scale, I would have told you I probably gained.

You know what's funny though, or more truthfully, sad and pathetic? I realized that as soon as I saw the number 131.7 (Joy! Rapture!) instead of 135, I looked at myself differently. I looked up into the mirror smiling and happy, checking myself out from side to side, thinking, "Yup, I look good." If that number had been 138 and I looked exactly the same, you and I both know I would have been berating myself as a slacker and a fat pig. My mood would have been exactly the opposite simply because of the number. And I probably wouldn't have been able to talk myself out of the funk by saying, "But look at all the things your body can do! You taught an aerobics class for Pete's sake! And you're a personal trainer! WTF woman. Snap out of it."
I'll have to work on that. At least, as a trainer, I can understand where people are coming from. I've got over-weight person empathy to spare. If only we looked at ourselves like this instead. Or even better, saw ourselves the way we are and liked it.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


Ahoy ye scallywags, rogues and wenches! Shiver me timbers, today be Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Be thar doubters among ye? Walk the plank ye scurvy dogs! Landlubbers are to be keel hauled into Davy Jones's locker!

If ye sons of biscuit eaters want to join me in this linguistic booty, go here for some Gentlemen o' fortune vocabulary. That is if yer not too lily livered to handle it.

Don't be a squiffy, hoist the Jolly Roger and yo ho ho yer way through the day wi' a wannion!

[Avast me hearties, that was hell-a fun to write!]

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

McDonald's ChaCha Slide

I'm not about to tell you to run out and get your kids some McDonalds, but this commercial is surprisingly entertaining.(Sorry for the crappy quality).

Especially since it inspires Friendster Guy to do a little dancing of his own. Let's just say, he is highly caucasian but I love him for it.

I also love the look the kid makes toward the very end. Classic!

Monday, September 17, 2007


I'm such a dumbass. I didn't share the news that I'm an now aunt for the second time.

Please welcome Sassy Pant's new super nephew!
Oh yes, you are jealous you do not have something this cute and wriggly to hand back to his parents when you are tapped out. Although, at this point, it takes a long time to lose interest in holding him. My Mom and I managed to be civil and pass him back and forth but it was with great difficulty. First born grandsons are not easily relinquished by said grandmothers.

The Ubiquitous Web Presence of Sassy Pants

Besides my bloggy, albeit anonymousish, presence, I can now be found on Friendster, MySpace, AND Facebook. If you know me "fer real," look me up. I need friends. I used to be on too but then I found Friendster Guy (on, wait for it, Friendster) and didn't need to be there anymore.

This weekend I had an actual in person mini-reunion with someone who does know me "fer real" - the lovely and talented, and dare I say, freakin' hilarious Jennifer Myskowski. I am sending lots of bloggy love out to Ms. M. because FG and I saw her comedy show Saturday and had a gut busting time. I may do lots of crunches, but there is nothing like 2 hours of laughing to get those abs in shape.

In other news, I will be teaching my first ever aerobics class this evening! I've been taking this particular class every week for a year or so but have never been the one leading the group. The usual teacher is away for the week and since I'm now on the payroll she asked if I could cover for her. It could be very...interesting. I know for a fact I'm going to forget to count or say left when I mean right. Or arm when I mean leg. Or something equally confusing. If all goes well, and no one loses an eye, I will begin teaching my own class in October.

This is how my life goes - one day, I'm a mild mannered office worker, the next, I teach aerobics and wear spandex all the time. My life just sort of happens to me through no fault or prior planning of my own. And I kind of like it that way.

Also, to David, the guy who posted the following comment a few days/posts ago:

I often dream about being a personal trainer.. I work at a college now.. network engineer. It's ok.. but no passion in networks. Hmmm should I go for the big career change?

I believe Nike said it best - just do it. After all, you only live once. When opportunity knocks, for the love of mocha, open the door and let it in. Insert other "go for it" cliche here.

But have an exit strategy and don't burn bridges. Hope for the best, plan for the worst, blah, blah, blah.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Itemizing my guilty pleasure

Do you think the IRS would let me deduct cable if I use it to watch Biggest Loser?

It's like Continuing Ed for trainers.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Hey Sassy, what did you do yesterday?

Oh, nothing much. Ate leftover Indian cuisine, worked out, quit my job, hung out with Friendster Guy.

Wait. What was that?

The Indian cuisine? Yeah, it was good. We tried this new lamb dish...

No! The other one. That one where you said you quit your job.

Oh, right. That. Yeah. I've been holding out on you a little bit. Ok, a LOT bit.


Well, I decided that being a college administrator wasn't my bag baby. So I did a 180 degree career switch and I'm going to be a personal trainer.

'Scuse me? I just heard you say you're going to be a personal trainer.

Yes. You heard, or more correctly, read, me correctly. I'm quitting my lucrative (although mind numbing) job with good (really good) benefits to work with sweaty people all day and get paid by the hour.

Personal trainer like on Biggest Loser?!

Yep. Jillian or whoever that new chick is ain't got nothing on me!

Holy crap.

I know. I'm probably more surprised than anyone.

Well. Congratulations.

Thanks. I'm a bit terrified. Knowing I'm soon going to have to wear spandex all day does that to a person.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Dental Disarray

You ever feel like your teeth are in wrong? Like they've shifted without you really knowing it? I'm talking actual teeth, not dentures or veneers or what have you.

Uh, yeah, me niether.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Biggest Loser Proposal

I don't know if I'd like to be proposed to on national TV while wearing spandex and standing on a giant scale.

Then again, if I'd lost half my body weight and managed to find me a man at the same time, I might think differently.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Channeling My Inner 13 Year Old

I can't remember the last time I bought anything more frivolous than a mocha latte. This weekend, however, I went crazy in Best Buy. I bought a Play Station 2, Guitar Hero II, and an extra guitar.

You see, a friend of mine invited Friendster Guy and I over for a party. This friend doesn't just channel his inner 13 year old, he pretty much never grew out of being a 13 year old. He's got every gadget and gizmo any grown-up man child could want. Once the party got going people took turns playing Guitar Hero on his big screen surround sound behemoth. As soon as I started playing I knew. I was addicted. So addicted I was willing to plop down close to $300 bucks for the whole shebang.

Now FG wants to get a big screen TV. And who am I to stop him?

My Guitar Hero goal is to kick this 8 years old's butt. A girl's gotta dream right?

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Internet Ego Boost

A reminder, ladies (and gentlemen), that your flaws and quirks may be exactly what another person finds attractive about you. I received the comment below from Adrift at Sea on my Before picture post.

Writing from the perspective of a man, the pictures you bravely posted, reveal an attractive woman. (And you even posted your height and weight.) I do not claim to represent all men, but I am confident that other men consider a number of different factors. I look at a woman's face, how she carries herself, takes care of her appearance, her shape, and, yes, her legs and buttocks, not necessarily in that order. Many attributes contribute to my overall assessment of female beauty. A person with a little more body to love, may look beautiful to me, just on her face alone, her hair, her complexion, her skin, her smile, her outfit, her shape, or any combination of these features. Some of my turn-offs are bad manners, contempt for other people, total disregard for one's personal health, too much makeup, drug usage, extreme weight conditions, both under and over. I actually prefer a medium build, and a little under or a little over look great. I am an ardent admirer of an hourglass figure, with real and natural curves. So, all in all, you look like a medium build. You are desirable. And the fact that you have an interest in good health is a huge plus. Cheers.

Are any of you single ladies in the LA area? If I learned anything from my three month stint trolling it's this: An articulate man who knows how to use spell check is hard to find. One who actually says something that makes sense and boosts my ego is almost impossible. Thanks Adrift. I hope you find what you're looking for.