Friday, March 30, 2007

Tom Hanks as James Bond

For your Friday afternoon enjoyment.


Me (whining) - I don't want to go to work.

Friendster Guy - You only had a 3 day week.

Me - I know. But I still don't wanna go.

FG - Uh huh.

Me (still whining) - Can't I just quit and clean your apartment for a living?

FG - No.

Me - Why not? I don't eat a lot...Ok, yes. I do. Nevermind.

Thursday, March 29, 2007


Welcome back, Sassy.
Vacation was fun, but lo,
Here is a migraine.

Why is my office
Rolling like the ocean waves?
Damn hormonal surge.

I want to vomit.
Just let me lie under desk
and sink into death.

If I were a man -
no pain, could pee standing up.
Life would be so good.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Calgon Take Me Away...Again.

The problem with going on vacation is that, at the end of it, you have to go back to work. Once you are there, you remember why you wanted to go on vacation in the first place.

Why couldn't I be a trust fund kid? I'd be so good at it.

I'm baaack

I have returned. I'm sadly just as pale as I was when I left (with the exception of a small piece of deep cleavage I didn't realize my bathing suit didn't cover which I missed while slathering on 30 proof sunscreen and is now nice and red and itchy.)

I took an extra day off yesterday. I was only going to take half a day for travel purposes but when Friendster Guy told me it was the last day the particular skiway I frequent was going to be open I said screw it. I went from the Bahamas straight to Spring skiing. It was just me and 4 other people. That's right, ALL the skiers on the entire mountain could have sat on the same quad. In all honesty, it was probably the most relaxing day of the vacation.

Now, I must return to my regularly scheduled programming (i.e. my employment as an office prisoner.) Sigh...

Thursday, March 22, 2007


In case I don't get a chance to tell you this later, during my pre-vacation work frenzy, have a lovely weekend. I'll be in the Bahamas on a well-deserved* vacation. I'll be back next week. I'll have a frozen beverage in your honor.

*If anyone ever tells you your vacation isn't well deserved, kick 'em in the nads.

Time-Space Continuum

I'm fairly certain that there is a rip in the time-space continuum in the room where I take Spinning. While I was on the bike last night, pedaling away, the one minute between 6:10pm and 6:11pm lasted three hours.

I'm sure you've experienced this phenomenon yourself in certain situations - the DMV, the grocery line you thought was moving fast but then slammed to a stand still as soon as you got in it, 4:25 on a Friday, etc.

Although I didn't appreciate that three hour minute last night while I was sweating, huffing and puffing, and cursing the instructor, I do feel fitter and thinner today so I guess it was worth it.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007



If you can think of a better "O" let me know.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Wicked: Defying Gravity

I've had this song in my head since last night.

You may not know this about me (or you might if you actually know me) but if I could be on Broadway without having to go through the whole audition process I'd totally be a Broadway diva.

Monday, March 19, 2007

I love, love, love, love, LOVE THIS!!!!!!

Here's a new reason to get out of bed in the morning: Dove's ProAge ad campaign. Maybe because I am without TV I'm a little behind in the times and you've already seen this, but damned if I wasn't smacked upside the head by this ad on the inside cover of Better Homes and Gardens this month.

For a second, I was shocked, but not necessarily because she's "old" or "large," but because she's naked. In Better Homes and Gardens! When I got over my initial "what the?!," I absolutely fell in love. This woman is gorgeous and sexy and sassy and you just want to reach into the ad, give her a high five, and take her out to dinner. And she's got body fat! Allefreakingluiah!

If we keep being exposed to these type of images, we might actually start considering this as the model body type (as opposed to the 13 year old anorexics we're forced to live up to. I'm sorry, but if I can make a ring around your clavicle with my fingers, you've got a problem.)

Here's another one to get us all adjusted to this fabulous new world. Freckles! Wrinkles! Saggy boobs! Gorgeous!

If we ignore it, maybe it will go away?

My family is full of people who do not tell each other that they, or someone they know about who is also in the family, is very sick. This phenomenon occurs on both my father's and my mother's side of the family.

For example, my grandmother was going in to the hospital for quadruple bypass surgery (in Florida) and didn't tell my mother (in Massachusetts), who happens to be her only child, until the day beforehand. My Mom was all, "WTF? I would have flown down and made sure everything was ok and stayed with you and stuff." I believe she did make it down but it was a flurry of activity instead of planned.

My mom learned nothing from this experience. Just a couple weeks ago she didn't tell us, her children, that she was having heart palpatations and was wearing a monitor, until she no longer had the monitor. She lives alone. Mayhaps it would be a good idea to let someone know?

On my father's side they are no better. Apparently, my grandfather almost died from pneumonia on Friday the 9th. I did not hear that he was even in the hospital until at least Thursday the 15th. And I hear it from my sister who just happened to talk to my Dad on some other day. My parents have email. We all have cell phones. And it's not even the first time I've gotten the "Papa's in the hospital" time delay.

Sigh...These people! I don't know why we seem to have this time honored tradition of don't ask, don't tell bullshit but it's annoying. I'm sure it stems from some strange, "I don't want to burden you with my problems" gobbledeegook, but it's still stupid. You burden me with all sort of other crap, what's one more thing?

Saturday, March 17, 2007

This time, I've got it in writing!

My thesis, at least the text, is done. Done!

I still have to put the pictures in and make a list of illustrations, but other than that? Finito!

Joy! Rapture!

Off to edit pics since I'm snowed in anyway.

Friday, March 16, 2007

My condolences, but what a beautiful diamond!

When I die I totally want to be turned into a piece of jewelry. Seriously. I already want to be cremated but I don't want some poor relative to have to clutter up their mantle with an urn, or have to spread me around. Being turned into a nice topaz or even my birthstone (peridot) seems like a pretty good idea.

Of course, knowing my family, they'd probably pawn me.

Random observation

Why does everyone on this website have their mouth open?

It's like all the emotions Munch rejected before settling on The Scream.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Let's talk about sex.

I was inspired by a post over at Fried Dreams to "Netflix" a show on HBO called Cathouse. (Is Netflix a verb now? I'm going to use it that way even if it isn't.)Apparently Cathouse is both a documentary and now a series. I got the documentary.

It is about the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada, a legal brothel. On the one hand I'm horrified. My inner feminist screams out, "What?! You rented a documentary on prostitution? And one that glorifies it no less. I am ashamed of you. Deeply ashamed. You are dead to me." On the other hand I'm fascinated. My inner, and much more quiet, sexuality whispers, "Psst. Look what those girls are doing. Look how comfortable they are with their sexuality. If they can do that sort of stuff with total strangers, maybe you can loosen up a little."

I'm not turned on by this documentary. Ok, not much. I'm sorry, but anytime there are certain aural stimulations (pardon whatever puns you happen to find there) a person can't help but get a little randy. Even if at the same time you're looking at the screen in squeamishness through your embarassed fingers. So anyway, I didn't watch the video to get any sexual pleasure. (Holy hell I'm going to get people dropping by this blog now via nasty searches.) I watched it because it's fascinating in a sociological way. I'm curious. Who goes to these places? Who works in them? It's kind of like when Mister Rogers went to the crayon factory and showed us how they were made. "I had no idea that's how they did that! Fascinating!"

I will say that Cathouse was not an expose in any way. They portrayed the Moonlite Bunny Ranch as kind of a Disneyland. Heck, the girls even have tea on Thursday afternoons. These were awfully happy hookers. There were no signs of drugs, or psychological problems, or even denigration - besides the obvious prostitution. All the ladies were in control of their lives and making lots of money (or were edited to look that way). If I didn't know better, it could have been a recruiting video. "Want to meet nice people from a variety of backgrounds? Live an active lifestyle? Make your own hours? Great health plan!"[they see a doctor once a month]

So anyway, back to my whispering sexuality. For a very long time when I was married I pretty much kept my libido, or at least my sexuality, in a drawer. The reason for this was because I had several incidents where my overtures wouldn't get a response. When you meet someone at 18 and learn that taking (personally uncomfortable) steps to turn someone on and then get rebuked, as in you get ignored, you stop trying and feel very self-conscious about the whole process. Rejection is a very strong hurdle to get over. So, ignoring my inner feminist, I'm trying to take inspiration from the ladies of Cathouse. I'm not saying I'm going to install mirrors on the ceiling or purchase a suitcase full of paraphenalia, but I could stand to gain a little more confidence.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way. I think sex comes with a lot of issues and baggage and hangups. I'm sure the ladies of the Bunny Ranch have plenty of their own that have lead them to this particular career. However, whatever their issues, they are certainly not inhibited when it comes to sex. And I for one know I could use a little less inhibition.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Purses! Foiled again.

December Flower, Celebrate Woo Woo and I were having a little side conversation in the comments down a few posts regarding the female bag hoarding phenomenon. Where does it come from? Why does it happen? I find it odd, but so many women are drawn to handbags (not to mention shoes and accessories) that there has to be some sort of natural (aka biological) reason behind it, doesn't there? Or is there a time in every girl's life where we are societally indoctrinated into the handbag craving phenomenon? It's one hell of a craving for some people so there has to be something behind it. Millions of woman can't just randomly want purses, can they?

Perhaps it has something to do with womanhood and power. I remember in my middle school, you didn't carry a purse until you needed to, i.e. you had to carry around feminine hygiene products, or you wanted people to think you needed to. I was of the don't ask/don't tell philosophy so I hid them in my back pack. Some girls were happy to carry purses (i.e. announce their womanhood) and filled them with other trappings of "womanhood" - mirrors, lipstick, NowandLaters (ok, so they weren't a trapping of "womanhood", but they were really popular back in the day. We called them nomalaters. I didn't realize for years that that wasn't their real, albeit odd, name. But I digress.)

The other aspect of handbags is that men don't carry them (lucky bastards). Purses are purely female. (Although some metrosexuals are embracing the idea of carrying around all their crap as well.) It's certainly reasonable for a Mom to need to carry a whole bunch of stuff around. And we, as females, do tend to need more stuff than men, but why is that? Why can't I wear my cell phone in a holster and carry a wallet? Probably because we think ahead and recognize that sometimes we're going to need a pen, a check book, lip balm, tissues, sunglasses, wet naps, gum, etc, etc... Oh, to be male and ignorant (sorry guys). Or maybe I should say, Oh to be male and able to rely on the nearest female for all the things I've forgotten or neglected to carry around with me. Maybe we actually like being the person a man can rely on. We can't always open that jar of pesto without help (the one in my fridge currently is the bain of my existence) but we can pull all sorts of MacGyveresque feats with the contents of our purses.

That still doesn't quite explain the need for a king's ransom of knockoffs, but it gives me a little more perspective on the need for at least one pocket book. Thoughts?

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Seven Bright New Careers for '07 and Beyond

For once, I'm ahead of the curve. Who knew my career as a higher ed administrator was bright and new?

According to the article:
"Higher education administration offers a unique mix of policy-making, financial and business strategy, and program development. In addition to the intellectual challenge of their careers, education administrators enjoy the satisfaction of working toward a good cause: improving the quality of college education."

According to me:
"Higher education administration offers a unique mix of red-tape, political game playing, over reaction about things that matter very little, and drudgery. In addition to the intellectual challenge of their careers, education administrators enjoy their vacations."

Don't get me wrong, I actually do like my job. But being an "office prisoner*" is not exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up. Granted I still don't know what I want to be, but I'm getting better at recognizing what I don't want to do.

* When my boss's son was four, he was asked what she did for work. He replied, "She's an office prisoner." I can't think of a more apt way of describing it.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Pat Benatar - Love Is A Battlefield

Thank goodness for Pat Benatar. She saved all the "dancers" from that Squiggy looking guy. You don't have to worry about them now. (See below).

See, you didn't have to worry.

They found happiness as girls who just want to have fun.

What you see is what you get.

Over the last few years, I've become low maintenance. Very low. I haven't dyed my hair, worn make-up, waxed my eyebrows, or worn heels with any regularity since "The Great Dating Frenzy" of December 05- January 06 (see archives). I do use a blow dryer (no products though) and shave my legs now and then, but other than that, I haven't really taken part in the trappings of female beauty rituals.

I was reminded of how low maintenance I am this weekend when my mom and I took a road trip and stayed with a family friend. She's my Mom's best friend and she has a daughter my age (the one who randomly decided I should be a bride's maid in her wedding even though we rarely keep in touch.) These woman have always had the latest in hair technology - spiral perms, frosting, you name it, they've had it and continue to have it. They spend an inordinate amount of time fluffing and coaxing and putting in place. My Mom's BFF even told a story of how she had to track down hair gel in the Dominican Republic and ended up paying a fortune for it. All I kept thinking was, Why? You're on vacation in the Dominican Republic. Take a freaking break. Go swimming. No one cares about your hair.

My Mom seems to have fallen into this pit herself. She kept beating me to our shared bathroom and I'd have to do the peepee dance for a hell of a long time while she "put on her face" and or "took off her face," fixed her hair, and applied the 3000 facial moisturizing products she brought - some for morning, some for evening, some for the "delicate skin of the eyes," some for the rest of her face. It was agony. Once, after she'd taken off her face I was actually a little scared because she looked so different. It illustrated the miracles that make-up can do, and I understand the urge to look pretty (even if it is a societal construct blah blah blah), but I never want to get to the point where I am covered in so much chemistry that I no longer look like myself.

Also, if I never have to talk about the joy that is getting a "Coach" or "Louis Vitton" bag on the cheap I would be very happy. Where does the female urge to own 30 designer handbags come from? I have one, and when that one wears out, I get another one. My sister falls into the category of bag hoarding women and we couldn't be more different. I don't give a flying fudgecicle about brand names. My life will not be more complete if I have 2 dozen bags some poor, and most likely underage Asian, person had to make for pittance illegally. All I care is that the one I have holds my stuff and isn't hideously ugly. And even then, I'm flexible on the attractiveness. This weekend, we (they) spent an hour talking about a store my sister knows about that sells these things for $20. Luckily, at the same time, I had a plate of breakfast food in front of me that I could concentrate on instead, and that I could shovel into my mouth when I wanted to say something rude. Pancakes are helpful in not making enemies.

Mmmm, pancakes. Now there's a topic I can get behind.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Where's George?

I got a dollar bill back as change today that had "Please track at" written on it. So I went. I'm a sucker for doing things anonymous strangers tell me to do. On the website, you enter the bill's serial numbers and see where it's been. Sadly, my bill does not appear to have been anywhere besides the pizza place where got it. Mine was the first entry. But, I can go back and see where it's gone after me if someone actually chooses to go enter it. Since mine was the first entry, it makes me wonder about the person who wrote the message. I'm thinking they should have entered the bill on the website first and then spent it. But that's just me.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Too good to be true?

Last night I met with my thesis advisors. After some confusion on both our parts (mostly due to my disbelief), they both say that if I fix the last few things they have for me - a comma here, a rephrase there - I can print it out and have them sign it.

That's right. It's essentially done. Finito. Kaput.

I still need to insert a bunch of pictures, but besides a couple of hours being frustrated at Word for being a pain in the ass in that regard, I have very little left to do.


So now I have a goal. That goal is to get all the images into my thesis, fix all the things that my advisors tell me, and have it printed and signed by next Thursday - the day before I leave on my 3 day cruise. Can you even imagine how relaxed I'll feel? I don't even think I can. But I have a feeling it's going to look something like this.


Update: I knew it was too good to be true. My main advisor believes that a couple of the later chapters still need some work. I don't know why she said it was mostly done if she hadn't yet read the last 4 chapters. So, anyway, not quite done. Although theoretically I may still reach my goal by next Thursday if I work really hard. And my third reader has signed off on it so I'm still moving forward.

Update 2: Although, in the grand scheme of things, the corrections and changes I have gotten from my advisor today (now that she has actually read the second half of my thesis) are not over the top, the whole "You're done!" thing she did really knocked the productivity wind out of me. It's hard to go back to the thesis now and take it seriously. Just 24 short hours ago it was "done". And now? Now, I have to rework the entire last chapter, do a small interview to get something to fill in the gaps my advisor now sees, and who knows what else. If there are any advisors out there, do not tell your advisees they are done until you are literally signing the end result.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Random Stuff


"You probably never thought of this, but women's shelters in the U.S. go through thousands of tampons and pads monthly. Assistance agencies generally help with expenses of "everyday" necessities such as toilet paper, diapers, and clothing, but one of the most BASIC needs is overlooked - feminine hygiene products. Seventh Generation, a green paper products and cleaning products company, has a do-good attitude and will donate a box of sanitary products to a women's shelter in your chosen state - just for clicking the link. Talk about easy (literally takes less than 1minute and they ask nothing of you)."

X as Friend of the Family

I've decided to try a new tactic. Since my family can't seem to make my X as X as I have, I've decided that I will now consider him not my X, but a friend of the family. That way, when I see him pop up on my siblings MySpace comments (or, god forbid, their Top 8), or at a family function (like my brother's wedding), or wherever he has insinuated himself into my family, I won't think negative thoughts like wanting to beat my siblings and such.

I'm making this about my happiness and cleansing my psyche. I could keep being wicked annoyed (It's OK, I can say "wicked", I'm from Massachusetts) and think, "Why the hell won't my family let him go?" or I can just think "Oh, there's that guy that is a friend of the family." and have no feelings about it either way. Since I don't really have feelings about the man anyway - except when it comes to the fact that my family won't get rid of him - I think this is a good idea. If you can't beat them (no matter how much you want to), join them.


If I ruled the world, all push/pull door paraphenalia would be uniform so that no matter what door you went to, you'd know before hand whether you had to push it or pull it to open it. This would save us all from lots of embarassment and potential pain as we walk into a pull door we assumed was push.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

The post wherein Sassy Pants acts really mature. Not!

My stupid sister and my stupid brother are MySpace friends with my stupid X and his stupid girlfriend (the one who paid $9K to get his vasectomy reversed (sucker)).

Isn't that, like, familial treason or something?

I called my sister on it and she said, "What? Was I supposed to click "deny" when they contacted me?"

Well, YES!

Monday, March 05, 2007

Ann Coulter calls John Edwards a word I don't use

I don't get it. I don't get why this woman's 15 minutes of hate-filled fame are not up.

It pains me to say that she's intelligent (and, to tell the truth, the jury's still out on that one) but I know she knows better, more useful (even for her evil purposes) words. I do too which is why this post is not just the words, "Fuck you Ann Coulter, and the broom you rode in on." (Although that does make me feel better.)

And what's the point of calling John Edwards that? For one, he's not even gay so what's she trying to say? That he's...what? I seriously don't know. All it made me think is that John Edwards must be a heck of a nice guy and we'd be friends because the gay guys I know are some of the best people I know.

Someone please pull her plug. Take the podium and the microphone away. Stop hiring this "conservative starlet" to be your mouth piece. You only prove yourself as ignorant as she is. And if she's a "starlet," I'm the Queen of Sheba.

Monday Mantra

It wouldn't be a Monday morning after a (self-induced) long weekend if I wasn't panicking slightly about all the piles on my desk. I'm blogging now as a way to tell myself to take deep breaths and just take one thing at a time. Blogging as meditation, if you will.

It only looks like chaos because I don't remember each pile's duty and status.

Now I will go tackle one piece of paper at a time. One thing at a time. One thing at a time. One thing at a time.




Saturday, March 03, 2007

You've come a long way baby.

I'm learning to ski. I haven't really mentioned much about this over the last few weeks because, well, I don't know why. Usually, I've been so wiped out after a day, or half day, or one quarter day, or just thinking about, skiing, that I don't even want to talk about it. But today! Today, what I did on the mountain could potentially be construed as actual skiing. "Actual skiing" in this case meaning something other than flailing myself madly, and in terror, down a slope while repeating at a rapid pace, "shitshitshitshitshitshistshit...."

I'm telling you, I was turning and stopping, and, wait for it, actually having a good time. I think it helped that I had a friend with me who was just learning to snowboard so we took it nice and slow (and I wasn't the worst one in our group of two.) Usually, Sunday is my day for rest and recuperation, both physical and mental, but I'm going back out tomorrow, that's how much fun I had. I may be pushing my luck but we'll see how it goes.

Me. Skiing. Or at least riding the "J" bar. I almost look like I know what I'm doing.

Lost in Transcription

Yesterday, I took a day off in order to work on my thesis. Generally, this would mean that I took a day off to sleep late, every so often attempt to work on my thesis, but really, I'd just watch my Netflix delivered Northern Exposure.


Somehow, I managed to kick some major ass on my thesis. To the point where, if I had to turn it in for a class today as is, I'd be very comfortable doing so and I'd expect at least a B. That's right folks, all the pieces and parts are put together, including citations, the table of contents, and the abstract. The only things missing are the pictures but I've got the ones I have organized and ready to go.

Of course, technically, I still have about 3 rounds of edits to go with my readers (if they aren't heavily sedated in Germany) but at least I've got something I'm mostly happy with.

AND I got to watch an episode of Northern Exposure and disk 1 of LOST season 1. It was a very good day. (Although watching LOST by yourself and then walking around your dark apartment before bed isn't exactly conducive to sleep.)

Friday, March 02, 2007

Son of a #$@!%

I emailed my third reader on my thesis to remind him that he is a reader (it's been awhile since he agreed to it) and to warn him that I'm sending him my thesis. I sent it to his college email address a few weeks ago but then found out he doesn't check it so I got another email address for him from my program's office.

The reponse?

"I am leaving on 1 April for two months in Berlin where I am going to be the subject of certain medical experiments which will make it impossible for me to read manuscripts. So if I can't do it before I go, it'll have to wait till about June 15 or so."

Um. It needs to be signed off on and turned in to the thesis office by May 15th in order for me to graduate.

So. Uh. Yeah.

I'm not panicking. I can conceivably give him an unillustrated version of my thesis by next week. I will also include an official version of the approval form for him to sign. If he doesn't sign it, I will travel to Germany and do some other kinds of medical experiments on him.


Resolution #9

Guess what I did this morning?

I paid off my car!!!!

Whoo hoo!



I used my tax return (which, oddly, was $500 less than what I was expecting so I'm going to have to look into that) and some savings and voila, I own my car! Which pretty much means it's going to have some sort of catastrophic systems failure in the near future but, until then, whoo hoo! No more car payments. Five months early! Now I can cross that New Year's Resolution off my list!

Now, on to my #1 thing to "Git done" - my thesis!

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Why I like being a grown-up continued

Chocolate cake for breakfast.

And, if I'd had the cahones to actually do it, I would have called in horny this morning. Not sick. Horny. One too many goodbye kisses this AM. But alas, I didn't. So, I sit here at work, eating my chocolate cake, thinking about what might have been. Which is a lot more interesting than thinking about the things I should be thinking about at work. Like databases. Ooh yeah, baby, databases.

Nope, not quite the same.