Tuesday, January 31, 2006

You'd think I was Catholic or something

I should be watching the State of the Union. I should be trying to find out what is in store for the country. But I just can't. I can't handle more than 30 seconds of the President's speechifying. I caught just enough to learn that Coretta Scott King passed away yesterday. I feel like I should use this forum to say something deep and meaningful about that as well.

Pretty much I'm feeling guilt about the things I should be doing or think I should be doing. Like my thesis. Although I did spend an hour transcribing interviews this evening. And 15 minutes this morning while I was waiting for the hot water in my apartment to get hot enough to take a shower for at least long enough to shampoo. I love everything about my apartment except that.

I'm babbling. And there is nothing on my basic basic cable besides the State of the Union and for some reason Veronica Mars on UPN. That means it's time to go to bed.

Rest in Peace Coretta.

My 100th post! I'll try to make it good.

One of my all time favorite movies is The American President with Michael Douglas and Annette Benning. It's got so many great quotes.

The scene: After Sydney (Annette Benning) kisses the President she freaks out a little and talks to her sister Beth (some actress I don't know) about it.

Sydney Ellen Wade: Why did I have to kiss him?
Beth Wade: You kissed him? You didn't tell me that. Where did you kiss him?
Sydney Ellen Wade: On the mouth.
Beth Wade: Where in the White House?
Sydney Ellen Wade: The dish room.
Beth Wade: The dish room?
Sydney Ellen Wade: The china room.
Beth Wade: And then what happened?
Sydney Ellen Wade: He had to go and attack Libya.
Beth Wade: It's always something.
Sydney Ellen Wade: I gotta nip this in the bud. This has catastrophe written all over it.
Beth Wade: In what language? Sydney, the man is the leader of the free world. He's brilliant, funny, handsome. He's an above-average dancer. Isn't it possible our standards are just a tad high?

See, I'm not the only one who is neurotic and questions every little thing about a relationship. If it makes it into a Rob Reiner movie it has to be a universal trait. Even when someone has the perfect mate in hand they still can't accept it.

I wonder about my standards and the standards of my friends. I've been having discussions with my friend M about men wanting relationships and how that's a little scary even though it seems to be what every woman wants. When we get it, we freak out. I think probably we still have to learn the difference between someone being "desperate" and someone being"devoted". It's a fine line but, speaking for myself, I'm not used to even "interested" so either of those makes me nervous. I guess the difference is that when you are mutually attracted to someone, they are devoted. If you are not attracted to them they are desperate. If you tell them you are not interested and they don't get it they are deluded. If they get it yet don't care, get a restraining order.

Geography Lessons

If nothing else, that little map in the side bar is going to teach me some geography. I've been spotted in the Philipines on the shores of the South China Sea. Mabuhay and Salamat! (Hello and Thank you). What's interesting to me is that where my little blog is being read is not necessarily where I have friends (who are the only people I actually shared this with). Hello out there in middle America!

Holy moly or should I say Aye Carumba! I just refreshed my browser y hay personas en Mexico quien estan leyendo. Bienvenido Mexico! (Lo siento, hace muchos anos desde yo hablo (hablaba?) o escrito espanol.) My tenses are muy malo! So much for my minor.

The world is a very small place. I love it. I'm about to bust into a refrain of "I'd like to buy the world a coke." but I will try to control myself.

Free to be you and me

A friend of mine recently responded to something silly I emailed him and said he was glad I hadn't lost my wit. Being Sassy Pants I wrote back "As a matter of fact, I think I may have more wit than ever before. And modesty too. ; )" His next response intrigued me, "well, I don't think you may have MORE wit... I think you are just using it again... more than maybe when you were married..."

He's absolutely right. I was hiding my light under a bushel for the last few years. It's pretty easy to do when you're depressed and unhappy. I do feel more like myself now that I'm a sassy single gal. If (when) I am unsingle again I am making damn sure I'm with someone with whom I am my fabulous self or even more so (as if that's possible!). I'm looking for synergy.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Bodies of Water

My friend M used the phrase "jumping in with both feet" the other day referring to what she often does when it comes to new relationships. She's now nervous that she's done it again too soon after a breakup with her (now ex) fiance. This commenced a back and forth email conversation comparing men and their commitment levels to bodies of water.

What M and I are both experiencing at the moment are new relationships with men who seem to be wide and deep pools. They would love for us to jump right in and commence a relationship. These are men women dream about. Unfortunately, having both recently left pools that dried up we're a little afraid to get our hair wet again. The water looks wonderful from the side of the pool. We're enjoying dipping our feet it, and even sitting on the edge up to our knees, yet we can't help but wonder- if we take that leap are we going to swim comfortably (relationship bliss), sink to the bottom and drown (lose ourselves), or find there is actually no water (get rejected)?

Are we even jumping into the right pool?

I'm still deciding but Friendster Guy is great. After telling myself to stop thinking and just enjoy his company I discovered I did enjoy his company. His pool is wide and deep. He is ready for a relationship. And although that is a little scary, the alternatives are not that appealing, especially in the long run. In this analogy, High School Guy is a kiddie pool. You can have a heck of a lot of fun laughing and splashing in a kiddie pool. For awhile. Then you start wishing you could stretch your limbs, dive down, float freely, and spend some time underwater tuning out all other distractions. But you can't. You're in a kiddie pool.

Picture Taker Guy turned into a vernal pool, one that appears once in awhile but goes away. Or perhaps he is more of a mirage. After a lovely dinner and conversation last weekend I have not heard from him, but I have heard about him. Now, I certainly can't fault him for this given my particular circuimstances dating other people but just days after our date my friends N and S (who I was with when I met him) ran into him and his girlfriend in town. And then ran into him two more times. One time N didn't even know it was him because his tongue was entwined so completely with this girlfriend's in a public place. I tell you this not because I'm mad or even bothered by these circumstances. I've pretty much done the same thing with Friendster Guy except we haven't quite defined ourselves as girlfriend/boyfriend yet. Also, I knew (and honestly hoped) it wasn't going to work out with Picture Taker Guy because he's moving away in the next few months. In fact, my biggest fear was falling head over heels for this temporary guy and then having to decide between my home and my man. Luckily, "my" man is actually someone else's.

Where does all this leave me? It leaves me by the side of a very nice looking pool testing the waters. For the time being I may wear floaties, and I won't be going into the deep end, but I'm definitely entering the pool.

The X Factor

Friendster Guy being at least superficially like my X is turning out to be a good thing. For one, he keeps surprising me by not being like my X. A pleasant surprise now and again does a body good. You know what else does a body good? Well, something else I choose not to talk about directly on this blog that's what.


Another reason the similarities he has with my X (and my fears around that) are good is I am forced to take note of how I react to things he does or things I think he will do. With some other guy completely unlike my X I'd still have the same fears but I might not address them directly or even recognize the way they make me react. For instance, I am slightly nervous, or at least shy, to ask Friendster Guy to dinner with some friends of mine. As mentioned previously, my X was not really social and made me jump through hoops to get him to go anywhere with me. I find myself making assumptions that Friendster Guy will not want to go. However, because I am aware of his similarities to X and am trying to counteract my potential reaction to them, I am working against those assumptions. Does any of that make sense?

Let's see if I can make it simpler -
Acknowledging you have a problem is the first step in any 12 Step Program. With a guy dissimilar to my X, I might not realize I have a problem (i.e. all the neurotic crazy things floating in my head as a result of my last relationship). But with Friendster Guy they pop right to the surface and I must face them.

I might have to share this with Friendster Guy so he can be aware of why I might do some of the things I do.

Sassy Pants is sweeping the globe!

Check out my reader way out there in Finland (I think)! Hauska tavata! (Nice to meet you in Finnish. I'm so international. Actually, I am simply capable of using Google.)

I had a busy weekend and don't quite have time for a large post at the moment but I am alive and well and getting ready for world domination.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Note to self:

Stop thinking.

Start enjoying yourself.


Note to my readers: Check out the new map thingy in the sidebar. At some point we will be able to see where my readers are from. Cool huh? If you blog you can grab it for free yourself.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

It's Ok to blab about your personal life to anyone who will listen

I like meeting people. I've been making it a habit to try to introduce myself to the regulars at my gym. This is made easier when I am wearing the official gym shirt for my class. Because this area is so small I always see the gym people out and about and it's nice to have a reason to smile and say hi.

So anyway, there is this old guy at the gym that I'm always happy to see and say hello to. He's a nice man. Very personable. Somewhat of a local celebrity because he has a local show on PBS. I enjoy our brief little talks while I mill around waiting for the class I teach to start. I must have shared some details of my personal life with him in the past because yesterday we're conversing and he asked me if I knew this guy so-and-so. I said no figuring he must have a connection to where I work. But no. He commences to explain that so-and so is that guy over there who had dated his daughter but it didn't work out. "He's a nice guy though." he said, not quite nonchalantly. I looked at the old guy in surprise and said, "Are you trying to hook me up?" He said, "No, set you up." I laughed and replied, "Well thanks! A girl can use all the help she can get." He didn't introduce us but I did keep checking the ex-boyfriend out while I was on the treadmill. The old guy's daughter doesn't have bad taste.

How nice is that that the old guy thinks enough of me to want to help me out? It's flattering. Or he's noticed how much I check out the guys at the gym. I swear there were not that many young potentilaly single guys there when I was married.

Moral of the story: Tell nice old guys you are single. They may try to set you up. Or at least introduce you to someone.

The title of the movie about my life would be: Schizophrenia and Self-Doubt

In reponse to Jen M's comment, Friendster Guy is pretty much perfect. The jury is still out as to whether he is perfect for me. I can wish for one verdict but sometimes that's not enough, or not the right one in the long run.

If my life were a movie (and why shouldn't it be?) this would be the part where the audience yells at me for being an idiot for letting a good guy go. Don't worry, so far he's still around. We're making plans for Friday night that hopefully will involve a lot of talking. No couches. He's so quiet I don't feel like I know him yet and I want to give him every opportunity to surprise me into sparks.

I have a fear that I need to be aware of and counteract. My fear is that because Friendster Guy shares many similarities with my X I am making assumptions about ways he might respond to certain situations. That's not really fair. For instance, there is a semi-formal I am planning on attending next month. If Friendster Guy is like my X, he will not enjoy himself and I will feel like I'm forcing him to be there. However, he could, and probably would, surprise me and be all for dancing the night away with drunken graduate students he doesn't know. At the same time, I'd rather not have to "test" him to figure this out. I just want to have a good time. I want to go with someone who I know I won't have to babysit (I did a lot of cajoling and compromising with my X to get him to go to things with me. Even though he ended up having a good time it wasn't fun having to practically grovel each time I wanted him to join me at an event). I think it would be more fun to go with High School Guy now that we have established boundaries as friends. He's social, funny, and can work a crowd. Plus, if I go with a friend I can flirt with people at the dance and my date won't care.

The fact that I want to flirt with other guys at the dance seems to indicate that I am either not ready for a relationship or not ready for a relationship with my current options. I think the latter is true.

SassyPants' prediction for 2006 (it may not be smart but it's probably true): Here's what I predict is going to happen. I am going to give Friendster Guy the old college try. I'm going to drive myself crazy wondering why it just isn't working with such a great guy. I'm going to get in deeper than I wanted to. I am going to wonder why the hell I didn't nip this in the bud when I first saw the no chemistry signs. You are going to get to watch me spiral into stupidity and doubt.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

My Celebrity Love Match

The results of this test were dead on. John Cusack and I are already secretly involved so there was no surprise there. But please keep that on the down low. We like to keep that under wraps.

My celebrity love match is - The Boy Next Door: Matt Damon

When it comes to love, you're looking for a man with "white picket fence" potential: the guy who will compliment your mom, helps clean the dishes and could melt the polar ice caps with his smile. He's not always perfect and can be a tad too predictable at times, but you'll love the fact that he's got a dependable job, coaches Little League on the weekends and still finds time to let you know how much he loves you. He's more "apple pie" than "devil's food cake" -- but that means the last thing he'll want to do is break your heart.

Other matches: Usher, Zach Braff, John Cusack, Michael J. Fox, Denzel Washington

I'm definitely getting a crush on Friendster Guy because as I read the description above I'm finding myself annoyingly happy that he fits the bill. All of a sudden a switch has gone off somewhere in my brain where I now want to use the word "we" in a sentence involving him. And not in the sentence "We decided to just be friends."


A Phone Conversation:

Me: "In the spirit of full disclosure, I should let you know I am signed up to auction myself off at a batchelor/batchelorette auction next month."

Friendster Guy: "How much does a single girl go for these days? Will I have to bring my checkbook?"

Right thing to say Friendster Guy. Right thing to say.

Also, today is Compliment Day. According to this site, this day was created in 1998 by Kathy Chamberlin, of Hopkinton, NH. and Debby Hoffman, of Concord, NH. Sad that it took until 1998 to have a Compliment Day while National Pie Day began in 1986 (thanks American Pie Council and Crisco), and National Handwriting Day started way back in 1977.

Spread the love today. Compliment 5 people. By the way, you're fabulous.

* Mycology = the study of fungus

Monday, January 23, 2006

Cracking the code

I got myself a decoder ring.

After my email, Friendster Guy really took the time to let me know at least some of what he was feeling in our situation and he's growing on me again. Slowly and persistently, like a fungus, but growing none-the-less. I think part of the missing chemistry had to do with our very early decision after our first date to just be friends. He took it to heart. I had loosened up on that restriction but hadn't let him know. So, when we were out he wasn't being all that flirty. And I am receptive to flirting. Since we hadn't done any flirting foreplay I didn't think there was chemistry. We need some more time to go out when both of us are thinking we're dating and see how it goes. I bet it goes well. If not...

On my date last night with Picture Taker Guy I got the distinct feeling that he was sitting there wondering how he had gotten to go out with such an attractive and confident woman. That woman being ME. That, my dear readers, is an awesome feeling.

The horror that is Victoria's Secret

You do not know this about me but there is something about Victoria's Secret that makes me ridiculously uncomfortable. Everytime I set foot in one I honestly want to start crying from discomfort.

I am a modern, capable woman who has done a lot of cool, sometimes daring, things in her life but I feel absolutely inept and retarded (in the "behind the curve" sense of the word) when it comes to fancy, sexy, 'I spent too much on this' underwear. The instant I am surrounded by the pink, baby powder smelling ambiance of a Victoria's Secret my self-esteem and self-confidence take a nose dive. Why? For one, I always thought the VS women were looking down on me. Also, I have no idea what size I take and for a long time I was embarassed by the size I thought I took. This did nothing to improve my relationship with the VS women who were supposedly looking down on me. In addition, and these are in no particular order, there are too many buttons and clasps and options, I'm too cheap, and then I think if I try something on and wear it I won't look as good as I think it does (or I think someone else would look in it). Plus - and this is probably the crux of the issue - for so long I have felt like I had to work to win the approval of the men I was with and by buying sexy undergarments I'm putting myself out there in a vulnerable place to once again get rejected or hear a negative comment. Trying that hard only to get the psychological shit kicked out of me isn't my favorite thing to do.

Therefore, I have no comfort with sexy undergarments and since VS is the mothership pandering to my many issues I avoid it like the plague. Seriously folks, I'm getting a little emotional as I write this.

I went into a VS in Vegas and despite the fact that I was feeling supremely sexy and powerful the entire rest of the weekend, the store sapped it like kryptonite. I am in a self-inflicted abusive relationship with VS. This doesn't help.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

The Year of Sassy Pants

Inspired by National Measure Your Feet Day I have decided to blog today about the Year of Me. Jen M has already declared it the Year of Jennifer Myszkowski but I figure she doesn't have the whole market on declaring years her own so I can too. Therefore, this is the Year of Sassy Pants. Yessiree Bob it is all about me this year.

My first act since declaring it the year of me was to follow my own advice, and email Friendster Guy about our relationship or lack thereof. Granted, I wasn't 100% honest with him - i.e. I didn't say "Hey. We have no chemistry. It was nice meeting you." I don't know if that would have been the 100% honest thing to say anyway. The thing is, on the one hand I don't think the relationship is going anywhere. On the other hand, we could just be communicating on different levels and I am just not tuned in to the chemistry. Yes, yes, I know I am second guessing myself. How can you not be tuned in to the chemistry you ask? Isn't that just the point? Doesn't chemistry find you? Yes. But then again if he thinks he's giving off "you're hot" vibes and you just aren't hearing them, what happens when he gives you the decoder ring and you hear the vibes loud and clear? All you need is a way to decode what he's been saying all along and you're good to go. I wanted to give him a chance to give me the code. So I emailed him about it.

Here's an except: ( I mentioned that he was hard to read. He has already admitted this is true. I am explaining that there were certain things about my X that drove us apart. Being hard to read was one of them.)

My X was very hard to read as well. I had no idea if he was enjoying my company or not (so far I can tell you are, although it's subtle) and his most obvious expression was annoyance, usually at something I was doing. You can imagine how painful that would be. I got very little information from him as to how he felt about me. The main feeling I got was ambivalence. And even disinterest. For the last two years I was married to a person who did not seem at all attracted to me. To the point where I seriously thought (and even hoped) that he was gay. Seriously. To be in a relationship where you constantly wonder (and in your heart know) someone is not attracted to you is very, very difficult. I may be more scarred from that than I realize. I don't want to say I'm needy because that wouldn't be true but I do have a high need to know where I stand. I don't want to guess if someone is or is not attracted to me. Obviously you and I cleared that up a little recently. : )

Where does this leave us? I'm not exactly sure. I have no idea what your expectations are and I'm entering the very new territory of the dating world so I don't know the etiquette. I am dating other people. I know your Match profile is still up. Sometimes I just shake my head and say what the hell am I doing? I'm not sure if I actually want an answer to that question. I'm interested to hear from you and get your side of the story and your take on our situation. I get a sense that the woman you were with before hurt you. That I could read.

I'm sorry to have opened up the proverbial fire hose on you. But 2006 is my year of honesty. And also the year of me. Every one of the other 28 years was about me thinking about someone else. I'm not going to stop that but I'm putting myself first.

Very sweetly he emailed me back saying he's trying to compose a response but in the meantime wanted to let me know he was not upset with me. How great is that? You know how I feel about email and the way it makes you crazy in the head when someone deosn't reply. How cool that he intuited that.

Does anyone out there have experience with a relationship that started out as a slow burn and then grew into a more raging fire? I'd like to hear about it if so.

In other news, I had a first date with Picture Taker Guy. He's very cool. We had a comfortable conversation and he was not ambiguous about whether or not he was attracted to me. He made sure to say I was attractive several times - but appropriately, not like he was trying to get into my pants (apparently an easier thing to do nowadays though). We talked about exes and how mine didn't find me attractive and he very sincerely made it clear that he wasn't having that problem. : ) I found him quite attractive as well. Great smile. We're going to go running together sometime. I'm going to need the motivation if I'm going to run the half marathon in June.

A prayer

Dear Lord, Force, Mother Earth, Dr. Phil, Ann Landers,

In your infinite wisdom could you find it within your mercy to make it so I do not have both wrinkles AND pimples at the same time. Seriously, it's not fair.


[Important note to my readers: Today is National Blonde Brownie Day. Why? I have no idea. Tomorrow, the 23rd? National Pie Day, National Handwriting Day, and National Measure Your Feet Day. What? (Aside to JM - I know this would not be your favorite holiday. Feel free to focus on the pie.)]

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Chemistry 101

You can't fake chemistry.

Even if you really, really want to. If you are waiting for someone to grow on you, that's a sure sign that there is chemistry missing. If, hypothetically, your first kiss with someone you've gone on 5 dates with turns into a 2 hour make-out session with partial nudity (hypothetically!), and even though you're enjoying yourself, you still don't feel that spark ("you" being someone else entirely. Not me. Definitely not me.), that's a bad sign.

I would give that person the following advice: Stop the relationship before it goes even further.

But then they'd say, "but he's nice, handsome, sweet, intelligent".

And I'd reply, "So? If you aren't feeling that spark, find it with someone else who is nice, handsome, sweet, and intelligent."


"No buts! You're looking for a connection young lady. Not someone who's nice enough to hang out with. If you're forcing yourself to feel something it means you aren't feeling anything. Piss or get off the pot."

"But I don't want to hurt him."

"Oh please! You aren't in a committed relationship. Stop it before you'd feel even worse if you 'broke up'. You've met a nice guy who can now be a nice friend you happen to have seen naked. End of story."

Damn it, I hate when I'm right.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Inspired by Jen Myszkowski, here's a little more information about myself. As if you aren't sick of me already.

Four jobs I've had in my life:
Watch Repair person (I can size metal bands and change batteries like you read about)
Zookeeper/ticket person
PhD Graduate Student (only for a year before I wised up)
Balloon bouquet and gift basket maker (during my post-PhD what the hell am I going to do with my life crisis)

Four movies I could watch over and over:
When Harry Met Sally
Sound of Music
The American President
Harry Potter

Four places I have lived:
Berlin, NH
Springfield, MA
Selinsgrove, PA
College Station, TX

Four TV shows I love to watch:
The Biggest Loser
That 70s Show

Four places I have been on vacation:
Coast of Maine

Four websites I visit daily:
Big Girl Underoos

Four of my favorite foods:
Whoopie Pies
Anything I didn't have to cook

Four places I would rather be right now:
In my bed (stolen from Jen M)
On a stage (stolen from Jen M)
On vacation in a hammock
In the arms of someone I love who loves me back

Is there anything anyone wants to know about me that I haven't shared? Throw out a question and I'll answer it.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Stick the knife in, now twist

No matter how happy I am that I am no longer with my X, and also comfortable with the fact that he is with another person, it still hurts to see him expressing his attraction for her in ways I can no longer remember him doing with me. Case in point, I saw them both at the gym today and I talked to them both, apart and together. No problem. Then however I caught a glimpse of him holding her hand as they left. I honestly cannot remember a time when he held my hand 1) when I hadn't initiated the contact and 2) when it lasted more than a few seconds before he literally shook it off like I was annoying him. I haven't really held someone's hand like they meant it in probably half a decade. Half a decade people. Or more.

You know that scene in When Harry Met Sally right before they sleep together and Sally is freaking out because she discovered her X is getting married and just didn't want to marry her? It's kind of like that only no tears (or really anything more than a mild twinge of sadness/annoyance) and there's no one here to sleep with. Drats.

But the twinge is no longer. I have two dates this weekend - Friendster Guy and Picture Taker Guy. Maybe one will step up to the plate and sweep me off my feet.

My Fair Lady

Remember the guy who couldn't help but tell me my positive attitude was contagious? We're having dinner together on Sunday. After our nice conversation at the party the other day, he said that he'd send me the picture he took of me. Being still in brazen Vegas mood I emailed him yesterday saying, "Dude! Where the hell is my picture? : )" We then proceded to have a very flirty exchange focusing on the fact that coincidentally he too was in Vegas last weekend and that if he had known he could have provided me with "entertainment". Hmmm...

He seems really excited about us getting together so he's earning serious bonus points. That's all I really want - someone who seems genuinely interested in spending time with me and is willing to show me.

In that vein, here are the lyrics from the song "Show Me" (scroll down and click Show Me to listen) from My Fair Lady. It pretty much says what I and some of my girlfriends have been thinking.

Freddy starts out trying to woo Eliza -

"Speak and the world is full of singing, And I'm winging Higher than the birds. Touch and my heart begins to crumble, The heaven's tumble, Darling, and I'm... "

Eliza, frustrated by it all, sings -

"Words! Words! Words! I'm so sick of words! I get words all day through;First from him, now from you! Is that all you blighters can do?

Don't talk of stars Burning above; If you're in love, Show me!

Tell me no dreams Filled with desire. If you're on fire, Show me!

Here we are together in the middle of the night! Don't talk of spring! Just hold me tight! Anyone who's ever been in love'll tell you that This is no time for a chat!

Haven't your lips Longed for my touch? Don't say how much, Show me! Show me! Don't talk of love lasting through time. Make me no undying vow. Show me now!

Sing me no song! Read me no rhyme!Don't waste my time, Show me! Don't talk of June, Don't talk of fall! Don't talk at all! Show me! Never do I ever want to hear another word. There isn't one I haven't heard. Here we are together in what ought to be a dream; Say one more word and I'll scream!

Haven't your arms Hungered for mine? Please don't "expl'ine," Show me! Show me! Don't wait until wrinkles and lines Pop out all over my brow, Show me now!

You go Eliza Doolittle!

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Interpreting the silence

Doesn't it just frost your cookies when you spend an amazing time with someone, you feel a connection, you seem to want to spend more time with each other and then you don't hear from them for awhile ("awhile" being interpreted in this scenario as anything from 20 minutes to 2 days) and you start second guessing yourself and the entire interaction and thinking that they can't possibly like you as much as you like them and that you've smothered them with attention, or not enough attention, or that they only humored you while you were together?

Show of hands, how many of you have done this?

I haven't done this in about a week but a friend of mine is going through it as we speak. It's funny how I can look in on it and say "Stop obsessing. Give them time." while simultaneously knowing there is no way in hell I wouldn't be obsessing myself. Especially since I was doing that only a week ago regarding High School Guy.

I know I have said this several times before but email sucks. Interpreting the silence between them (no matter how brief) is agonizing. Interpreting words on a screen when they do come can be worse. What did they mean by that? Logically you know they meant "Hey! how are you?" when they said "Hey! how are you?" However, in the midst of obsessive thinking you know it has to mean they are blowing you off and never want to see you again. And then you really want to find out what they meant so you barage them with emails and realize you are doing this and then freak out that you've bombarded them with too many emails and they think you are a psycho stalker.

Yeah. Been there. Done that.

Nothing had to "stay in Vegas." Darn it!

First, I did nothing in Vegas that needed to "stay in Vegas" but I came very, very close. Closer than I ever have before. Short version: if there had been a room available without other people in it I would have a much more interesting story to share here. Not that I would have shared the details. And not that the story leading up to looking for a room isn't interesting.

Needless to say, I had a great time in Vegas. The batchelorette party did not deter me from being boy crazy and wishing that the batchelors (who were also in Vegas) got to spend more time with us. Friday night I met a group of them for about 5 minutes while I was finishing dinner with the bride to be. Since she'd already snagged herself a man she was not in cruising mode and dragged me away just when things were getting interesting, i.e. when there were attractive, intelligent men with good jobs standing in front of me in VEGAS. Anyway, in that brief exchange there was one who caught my eye and seemed like a really nice guy to boot. He had a great smile and stood out because he tried to make me laugh. It worked.

I didn't see them again until Sunday night when the people who hadn't already left for home all got together for dinner. I plopped myself right down across the table from the two potentially single guys (i.e. without female accompaniment), one of whom was "my" guy. The three of us proceded to have a great conversation that wasn't even all that flirty - just intelligent, interesting and friendly. At one point the subject of girlfriends came up and they both had them. But since the conversation wasn't flirty, I was OK with that. After 3 days in Vegas I was a little tired anyway.

The plan for the evening was for the group to go to a club. The batchelorettes had gone clubbing the night before at Studio 54 and had a great time. That night the bride-to-be and I were the last to leave and didn't get in until 4am. Up until even a year ago my comfort level with, how should I put this?, dirty dancing was very low. I felt really, really uncomfortable with it. I felt the dirty in dirty dancing. Apparently that is no longer the case. I have never been that close to that many men ever. I even started laughing when this one guy did a simultaneous ass grab and face plant in my chest (for what it's worth). I had to admire his coordination. It also helped that I was sober and felt I had the upper hand. Or at least more balance. I did have to pull my face away from another guy quickly because he was moving in for a kiss. And not a subtle one.

Anyway, Sunday night the lingering batchelors (4) and batchelorettes (3) went to Rum Jungle. I asked "my" guy to be my protection from the scary club guys on the dance floor. He said, "Sure, I can do that. Do you want me to be your brother, boyfriend, husband?" I said, "Whatever you feel comfortable with." and he proceeded to put his arm around me. Hee hee. What girlfriend? (Yes, I know that is bad. Let's say I feel guilty that he has a girlfriend. I'd be lieing but let's just say that for the rest of the story I was thinking about her and her feelings.)

So, the bride-to-be, her married friend, and me - the token single girl, started dancing. Eventually, the groom-to-be and "my" guy came out. It was all above board. We danced in a circle but then the bride and groom started their own little dance, the married woman left, and "my" guy and I were left to our own devices. We were dancing at least a foot away from each other. Eventually, to avoid the predators on the dance floor I had to get closer but we always parted. And we kept conversing. Damn it if he isn't the nicest guy. We got tired and sat down with the rest of the group. They were drinking and a cigar got passed around. I said no to both. "My" guy leaned in to me (we were sitting next to each other, bumping legs) and asked in my ear, "Are you against all vices?" I replied similarly, "No, just the ones that involve controlled substances." It was an oddly safe yet seductive exchange. We continued on in this weird conversation that was full of inuendo but was delivered in a straight forward way. The group of us closed the club (We closed a club in Vegas! We didn't realize they ever closed until they turned up the lights.) and wandered into the casino. "My" Guy wasn't gambling so we kept talking, now with the bride-to-be at our side (Note: I now know the value of a good wingwoman. This particular mildly intoxicated bride-to-be did not have single people hooking up on her mind so was unaware of our subtle ploy to do just that. And wasn't particularly helpful. Probably a good thing in the long run but...)

As the night/morning wore on the bride and groom began trying to figure out if there was a room available for them to spend some time in. We were all sharing rooms and some people had already gone back to theirs so there were none empty. "My" guy got very interested in trying to figure out if there were any available as well. I can't say I wasn't interested in the outcome myself. The five remaining people climbed into a cab. The groom (who was probably more attuned to the hooking up vibe than the bride) pushed me and "my" guy into the front seat where we had to smoosh together with his arm around me. I did not mind at all when his hand wandered to my posterior. (Why am I telling you all this? Hell, I don't know.)

When we got back to our hotel we were still trying to figure out if there was a room available for the bride and groom. Since some drinking had been occurring and it was 4 in the morning, there was a brief moment where "my" guy exclaimed there were two rooms available! I had to laugh because I knew there weren't but his exclamation made it clear what he had in mind. And I wasn't opposed. (Who is this woman?!) Unfortunately, his roommate wasn't a good wingman either and stuck by us like glue even when it was clear we couldn't do anything and the bride and groom left to get something to eat. So, after all that all I got was a big hug goodnight in front of the roomate. I don't know how far I would have actually gone but it would have been nice to at least do some kissing. C'est la vie.

I did do a little self-analysis after coming to the realization that I'd come one empty room away from probably sleeping with someone I just met. I ran through a little check list. Self-esteem? Check. This was not a "thank god someone is attracted to me" moment. Was it about Vegas? Nope. It was about this guy. He was super nice, intelligent, attentive in a very non-smarmy way, we got along, and there was definitely a spark right away. Damn him for living in Arizona and having a girlfriend (although she lives in a foreign country most of the year.) There was nothing but logistics stopping me from hooking up with pretty much a stranger. And you know what the only conclusion I came to after that was? Go me!

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Friends with benefits...but yucky ones

I couldn't help but post this latest contact. I just got a "friend request" on MySpace (it's how you connect with your friends) from a 46 year old named Buck who lives nearby, is married, and is interested in meeting "friends with benefits."

Ick, ick, ick.

He's got a picture and everything. Middle aged white dude, probably an accountant.

And he has 14 female friends in his profile already. Some seem to be normal (or clueless). Some are definitely of the ho-ish persuasion. It looks like he just requests to be friends with everyone and sees what happens.

I reiterate - ick, ick, ick!

P.S. Did you know that "iterate"means "to repeat". So when we reiterate we're being a redundant. FYI "dundant" isn't a word.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Vegas Baby!

I'm going to be away from posting until Tuesday 1/17 so I hope you can find other things to amuse yourself with until then.

While I'm gone, if you are reading this blog I'd be interested in having a little role call just to see who is out there in cyberspace. Especially if I don't know you. Drop in a comment and say howdy! Anonymity is perfectly acceptable.

In dating news: High School Guy and I have decided that it is better for both of us if we are just friends. I was reverting to high school and becoming paranoid and he was feeling trapped. We'll both enjoy ourselves much more if neither of us is in pursuit of a relationship. Now I can focus on relating to others. I think HSG is going to make a fine friend. Hopefully I can maintain the balance needed to not get all romantic about him again. We'll see. It's early enough in our friendship/relationship that I'm not horribly attached. The heart does stupid things though sometimes. No matter what your brain is saying.

P.S. Had lunch with You're Beautiful Guy. We had a good intelligent conversation, and he's not too hard to look at, but he's definitely young. Or at least inexperienced. I find it odd that I want what I'm about to say I want considering how independent I claim to be but I kind of want a guy who will take charge or at least make solid decisions, not obnoxiously in control but when you go into a restaurant will open the door for you and tell the hostess there are two of you. Maybe even order if you're sharing food - like a pizza. Friendster Guy and Math Teacher Guy had just the right amount of that. Confidence without bravado. I had none of that in my marriage. We'd be at McDonald's and my X would tell me his order in front of the cashier and I'd have to repeat it to the cashier even though she probably already heard it. WTF?

Also, when did I become old enough to recognize when someone is young?

Monday, January 09, 2006

Men: Women are really easy. You just don't know it.

In case you didn't read Josh's comment a few posts back, here is what you need to do when you love a woman. If you are a guy and you are reading this take notes! The answer to your question of "Really?" is YES. I would so fall for all of that stuff. It's so simple. Of course you have to mean it.

I'm having a difficult time right now with High School Guy because I'm missing all of that. I thought we had a momentum going along those lines and then it stopped. I'm thoroughly confused as to how he feels about me and you know what? I had to deal with that feeling for the last 2 years or so with the person I was married to so I don't ever want to wonder how someone feels about me again. If you like me, for Pete's sake, act like you like me and want to spend time with me! Don't leave me guessing. It just makes me feel desperate and anxious.

Of all the guys I've dated so far, Buff Gym Guy was the best at making me feel special. Granted it came of as mildly smarmy because he was over the top but at the same time I appreciated knowing he was paying attention and wanted to be with me. Now he's moving to LA so I won't even be able to get any indirect attention from him at the gym anymore. Sigh...

Mild validation

It's good to know I'm not dating for the wrong reasons.

Note: I started a draft of the 81-100 things about me yesterday and just posted it but because I started it previously it is showing up below this one and another post so if you are a steady reader, please scroll down a few posts to see the last of the "Things about me." If you care to.

P.S. Spent an hour on the phone with You're Beautiful Guy. (Yup, he's earned a nickname) I don't know who was more surprised that I called, him or I (me or him?). It's odd to have the "older woman" idea in my mind. It sort of dictated how I reacted to him. In a way I felt more powerful but at the same time I'm not sure if I was quite myself. Did I have the upperhand or was I more self-conscious of my "maturity"? Either way, we're getting together sometime this week before I head off to Vegas for a batchelorette party. Vegas baby! What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Unless of course you get an STD and that's just a gift that keeps on giving. I'm not really a big fan of Vegas since I don't gamble, drink, smoke or enjoy dwelling underground with no knowledge of what time it is, but I'm sure my friends and I will have a great time nonetheless. And there will be male strippers. Like I need more men...

Sunday, January 08, 2006


You know that guy from MySpace who said I looked beautiful (see last post)? Well I replied thanking him for the compliment. We have now exchanged several emails and he's not actually all that creepy. In fact, he's oddly intriguing. But I may just be a sucker for compliments. After several exchanges he sent me the following email (and his number) - "So, basically you're my dream woman--older, loves the outdoors and hiking, an intellectual but not too serious, and you're wonderfully volumptuous. just thought you should know."

Several things amuse me about this. 1) when did I become "older"? I'm very comfortable with my age and the aging process (my new vericose veins fascinate me) but it's odd to hear someone actually point it out (he's 24, I'm 29) and 2) Voluptuous? I rechecked the pics I have up on Myspace and not a single one shows that I even have boobs nevermind big ones. What exactly is the definition of voluptuous?...

Ok, I've looked it up and I think I found a new word to add to my favorites list. Here's a mix-and-match definition I pirated from dictionary.com.

1: having strong sexual appeal; "juicy barmaids"; "a red-hot mama"; "a voluptuous woman"
2: (of a woman's body) having a large bosom and pleasing curves;
3: furnishing gratification of the senses;
4: Giving, characterized by, or suggesting ample, unrestrained pleasure to the senses;
5: Devoted to or indulging in sensual pleasures.

If that's what voluptuous is then I'm ok with being so. Although my ability to indulge in "sensual pleasures" is tempered by my modesty. YES, I can be modest. Especially when it comes to sensual pleasures. Although I'm much less so than I used to be, I think. I haven't really had too many opportunities to indulge recently. But I still have a tendency toward the prudish, except I'd really love to be a "juicy barmaid".

I received another compliment last evening at a party. I was having a nice time talking to this guy I just met, who may earn a nickname to be used here at some point in the future, and he sort of paused in the middle of our conversation, looked me in the eyes, smiled and with this attitude like he just couldn't help himself said something to the effect that my zest for life and positive attitude were palpable and really contagious. He even illustrated it by showing me a picture he had taken of me earlier - which had prompted me to introduce myself to him in the first place. He zoomed in on my face and practically gushed, "look at that smile!"

I'll tell you what, that was a great compliment. Right up there with the time a plastic surgeon stopped me in the hall at a plastic surgery conference I had helped organize and told me I was pretty. I figure if anyone would know it was a plastic surgeon. I was high on that for a long time. It still makes me happy.

You know what else makes me happy? Looking back at old pictures from my "fat phase" not so long ago and realizing how much I have changed in the last few years, and it's not just physical.


81) I don't like beer or wine or hard alcohol unless it is in the form of a frozen fruity beverage and even then I'm pretty picky. I never drank in college and the first and only time I got drunk was when I was 28 and I did it for a project for my Masters.

82) A correlary to #81 is that I always want to be in control of the situation. Or at least my role in it. I don't necessarily want to be the boss (unless things are getting all FUBAR), but I have a "high need to know" (I'm stealing the phrase from my friend N) for what is going on or about to happen.

83) I dislike cooking but I definitely like eating. If I wouldn't end up poor and fat I'd eat out at every meal.

84) A guy who cooks because he likes to and not because he is trying to impress me is incredibly sexy. Same goes with washing dishes and other household chores. Just noticing it needs to be done and doing it without my input or even knowledge is awesome. As opposed to doing it and then announcing it like you did some great thing and need to be praised.

85) I feel guilty that I have so much stuff and others have so little, but not because other people may be suffering (in fact I'd argue they aren't suffering at all). I feel guilty that I can't seem to get by with less. I feel like I should live a spartan lifestyle but then I go buy another container to store all my stuff in.

86) I can read music but the notes on the page do not correspond to their names, i.e. I do not know that that dot is an "A" and that dot is a "G". I know that that dot is this fingering on the clarinet. This deficiency got me in trouble when I was in high school and the band director would use me to tune the rest of the band. Once he said "play a high D" and I hit the wrong keys and he wigged out in front of everyone yelling "You're first chair, first clarinet! You should know this!" I never played clarinet again after high school. I think I'm ready to pick it back up.

87) I dislike jumping on the pop culture bandwagon. I like discovering things after all the furvor has died down. I avoided Harry Potter and The DaVinci Code simply because everyone else thought they were so great. Now of course I agree but it isn't because everyone else said so.

88) If my desk is a mess so is my concentration and ability to get anything done.

89) I'm uncomfortable apologizing so I avoid doing things that I'd have to apologize for.

90) My sister is the person who could hurt me the most.

91) I often fantasize about who would visit me in the hospital if I was in an accident.

92) I can't remember people's birthdays to save my life which is why I remind people about mine.

93) I take criticism - even indirect criticism about something I only had a small hand in - very personally.

94) When I get angry or really upset about something I care deeply about and I want to express it rationally I can't because I start crying. 94b) I hate crying when I get angry.

95) I enjoy going to the movies by myself (because I have too much empathy (#61) and start to wonder what the person with me in the theater is feeling instead of concentrating on the movie. This may stem from a time I was blamed for a movie being so boring that my date fell asleep - you know who you are.)

96) I do not like going fast unless I'm doing the driving.

97) I've learned more about myself in the last year than in the other 28.

98) I would have an abortion. Although my inclination to do so lessens as I get older.

99) I wish I could speak another language fluently.

100) I feel like this 100th "thing about me" should be grand and culminating but all I can think is that I want to be a Disney Princess. Preferably Belle from Beauty and the Beast because she's a bookworm and doesn't judge people by the way they look or act. She sees the good in people even if it's buried.

Maybe that is grand and culminating.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Screw Mars and Venus - Men are hornets, women are spiders

Warning: I apologize to my nice guy friends for some of the content of this post. I am generalizing. Know that if you are reading this I probably shared it with you and that means you fall into the nice guy category. Proceed.

Men are pigs. Except for the nice ones of course. But what distinguishes the nice guys from the bacon products? Common sense, dignity, respect, and treating women as if they are your mother, sister or daughter, or even just another human being. I can only imagine what some of the guys I've encountered would do if they discovered their mother/daughter/sister being treated the way they've treated other women.

Apparently, if you are a woman you are fair game for random men to email you with grammatically incorrect propositions. Do men get these? I'm curious about it from an anthropological/sociological stand point. Are some men so...ballsy, I guess is the right word, that they'll just hit on anyone regardless of who that women is or what she's looking for? It's one thing to be forward and say hello. It's another to make a person uncomfortable. Let me share some examples.

I believe I already mentioned the guy who was a "closet nympho for the right girl" and the man who loved my smile but couldn't spell the word people. I have also recently received, through MySpace, the following from a British mildly LLCoolJ look alike

"hello baby how are u doing how is life with u i went throught ur profile it nice and i would love to know u better. cares"
Followed within a half an hour by a more mild but still a little concerning-

"you looked beautiful and i live near you so i decided to message you."
The "I live near you" thing is a little scary. I can imagine it being followed by "so near you in fact that I see you every day. You don't know it though. I like watching you. I'd like to smell your hair."

Women do not send men messages like this. Do we fear rejection more? Do we know we'd sound ridiculous? Or do women send these messages? I think perhaps we're more subtle. I think women spin webs for men to get themselves tangled up in. Men just lunge at anything that moves. Sometimes our webs are pretty obvious. Other times, all it takes is the word "single" to get a guy flying at you.

Friendster Guy and I were browsing Match and MySpace so I could show him how scary it is to be a woman and someone showed up with the phrase "A sweet spot I can't tell you about" in their profile under best feature. Yuck. I had never seen that option before and said so. Friendster Guy had seen several women with that particular description and made it clear that it was not a turn on to him. This is the subtlety I'm talking about. Ok, so this example isn't all that subtle. But a woman who puts that in her profile is looking for just the sort of emails I've been receiving. What about my profile says I want that? The likelihood that the people I'm getting these emails from are actually reading my profile is slim.

I guess I'd rather be getting this response via cyberspace than in person. The problem is determining how far apart the two actually are. In this area, not very.

FYI: I just checked Match and I must only have access to the non-skeezy Match choices because "a sweet spot" isn't an option I'm allowed to choose and I can't write anything in that field. Interesting.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

61 - 80

I thought this was going to be hard but I've been keeping a list near my computer and I keep coming up with things.

61) I empathize too much with people. I take on their emotions and attitudes. I have a hard time watching shows/movies where someone gets embarassed because I feel it too.

62) My favorite holiday is Halloween.

63) I like to be the center of attention but only if I brought the attention on myself.

64) The me I was 2 or 3 years ago would not recognize the me I am today.

65) I've posed nude for an art class and I would do it again.

66) I love show tunes.

67) Rainbows make me smile but melancholy at the same time.

68) I've never gone to the dry cleaners even though I have clothes that are dry clean only.

69) I've finally learned how to take a compliment.

70) I think my greatest skill is my ability to understand where people are coming from and then translate that to other people so they can understand each other.

71) I love finding out something totally unexpected about someone.

72) I like to have unexpected things about myself that other people can discover.

73) I like cars with lots of fun bumper stickers on them.

74) I don't really know my parents.

75) I get depressed if I don't have something social scheduled almost every day.

76) I can keep houseplants alive. I have one my mother received when I was born.

77) In the past I have let other people determine my self-worth.

78) I am a visual learner. I draw pictures to illustrate word problems so I can understand them better.

79) I've thought about being a stripper.

80) I've always been the girl next door/kid sister type. Only recently have I felt that I might be thought of as sexy.

Things about me 41 - 60

41) I see negativity as the worst character trait.

42) I've been bitten by a cougar.

43) I want to be swept off my feet.

44) I do not want to have kids.

45) If I didn't have to audition I'd go on Broadway.

46) I have a crush on Pippin (Billy Boyd) from Lord of the Rings.

47) I have a new thing for guys with glasses. (All my top 3 have them and I think they are totally cute.)

48) My favorite body part is my smile.

49) My least favorite body part is my stomach but I'm learning to love it.

50) I constantly check myself out in store windows.

51) I used to think I didn't want women friends. Now I can't live without them.

52) I've been sexually assaulted and harassed.

53) I have a tattoo and I want at least one more.

54) I'd love to be an artisan but I can't settle on an art to be a san of.

55) I don't believe in God.

56) I never know who to answer with when asked the question "Who would you most like to meet?" or "Who is your hero?"

57) I can read a book over and over again because if a year goes by I won't remember the plot. This used to be true for The Lord of the Rings but now that I've seen the movies it doesn't work.

58) I dream in color.

59) I am more annoyed with people who sigh and roll their eyes at children behaving badly than with the children who are behaving badly.

60) I don't know how to react to someone else's sadness.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Resolution: First 40 things about me

One of my New Years resolutions was to write a list of 100 things about me. Here's the first 40.

1) I like to sing at the top of my lungs in the car and would do the same in the shower if my apartment didn't have a noise ordinance and I actually had hot water to waste time in.

2) I like the simple things in life, whatever that means.

3) I hate spending money.

4) I love eating out.

5) I love sleeping in.

6) I hate the sound of people chewing.

7) I love laughing.

8) I hate pranks like on Punk'd or Crank Yankers.

9) I'd rather receive a thoughtful homemade gift or meal than flowers or candy given because that's what's expected.

10) I respect honesty and try to be honest.

11) I don't like not knowing what someone is thinking about me.

12) I like to follow the golden rule.

13) I think anger is a useless emotion, although every so often it gets the better of me.

14) I think henna is the most beautiful artform in the world.

15) I always give people the benefit of the doubt and a second chance.

16) I'm friends or at least acquaintances with every guy I've ever been in a relationship with.

17) I would like to hike the NH portion of the Appalachian Trail.

18) I signed up for a half marathon next summer but I hate running.

19) I want to be a lounge singer or belly dancer.

20) I enjoy spending time goofing off with friends.

21) I am procrastinating on my thesis.

22) I spend too much time on-line.

23) I have a hard time taking instructions from people, especially from loved ones.

24) I love when grown men do something childlike (not childish) such as getting all excited about a Christmas special.

25) I love when kids dress themselves and walk around town in outlandish outfits. My favorite was the kid in a mask and cape in the middle of the summer for no reason whatsoever. I also like their parents for letting them.

26) I hate coconut. Especially the kind in candy.

27) My biggest fear is of dieing by not being able to breathe.

28) I'm a sucker for whoopie pies and Devil dogs.

29) I would love to own a Great Dane.

30) I'm allergic to cats.

31) I get so motion sick that I've had to turn off decorating shows that zoomed in and panned too quickly.

32) I do not consider myself an athlete even though I teach a class at my gym and I've completed several 5Ks, 4 triathlons, and I've played on a softball team for 3 years.

33) I cry more often because of happy emotions (Hallmark commercials) than sad.

34) My signature color is red.

35) I've never had a nickname.

36) I could eat pizza every day.

37) I get jittery and woosy if I drink caffeine in the afternoon.

38) I've never broken a bone or needed stitches.

39) I've donated plasma and blood.

40) I think humor and laughter during intimate physical moments is amazing.

Shameless but blameless

My X, his new lady friend, Buff Gym Guy, and I were all in the gym together. No, this is not the start of a joke, or a dream. I did have a dream last night that I became a stripper. A family of strippers took me under their wing. I believe the mother was Peg Bundy and the father was an Antonio Banderas look alike. I never actually stripped in the dream but I got to see some interesting stuff. But I digress...

The four of us were all in the gym together. Because HSG hadn't called me for 4 days and we were supposed to do something together that day and we didn't and the tape of self doubt had started playing I was flirting with Buff Gym Guy (BGG). He's the kind of guy you can outrageously flirt with and he won't care that nothing comes of it. It's sort of his MO. Plus, because I see him at the gym a lot we've sort of become friends. Anyway, after I say hey to X and X's Lady Friend I go up to BGG and say, "Is it horribly cheesy to want my X to see us talking together?" Instantly he turned the flirt up. Unfortunately we were hidden by weight machines. But, as we both did our workouts we got closer and closer to the spot where X was. Since I had to stop and teach a class I went up to BGG to say goodbye and also harass him to take my class. Now we were right in front of X and BGG knew it. So BGG gave me a big hug (almost too big. I had to warn him not to kiss me because he seemed very willing to keep the charade going forward)and then he said loudly, "So, I'll see you later tonight right?" It was so childish on both our parts but it was also very fun. I wasn't trying to torture X with a really hot guy (ok maybe on some level I was) but I really wanted him to see that I too could find someone else. And they could be hot. And I could be wanted and thought of as hot too. So it was childish. Sometimes grown-ups get to be that way. Sue me. I don't think X even noticed. Hence the reason we are no longer married. It helps the relationship when your spouse notices you exist.

In other news, we closed on the sale of our condo. Unfortunately all the money I made in the deal is already spoken for but I will get to pay off my credit card debt. That's a bonus.

Also, I just got home from a date with Friendster Guy. He really is a sweetheart. A foot taller than me but very cute and less quiet than he was on our first date. We had Indian Food and then we went to a bookstore and wandered around while drinking coffee. It was very relaxed and we'd both like to get together again. We had a nice conversation about our experiences with Match.com and the people we are also currently dating. It makes me feel less sleazy and underhanded to know he knows I'm seeing other people. And it's good to know he is as well. Takes the pressure off of me a little.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

And that's one to grow on

Every so often I like to pick a topic and read some quotes about it. Since my life currently revolves around relationships - new, old, changing - I thought I'd share a few quotes I found on The Quote Garden.

On relationships:

Having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night is a very old human need. ~Margaret Mead

Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

Assumptions are the termites of relationships. ~Henry Winkler [Note to self - The Fonz is very wise. Remember these words when the tape of doubt starts playing.]

I like her because she smiles at me and means it. ~Tas Soft Wind

Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings. ~Miles Franklin

Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but are always perfect for you. ~Author Unknown

On Friendship:

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer

True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable. ~Dave Tyson Gentry

A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half-cracked. ~Author Unknown

She is a friend of mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind. ~Toni Morrison, Beloved

True friends stab you in the front. ~Oscar Wilde

A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself. ~Frances Ward Weller

Apropos of my marriage -

Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you're really strangers. ~Mary Tyler Moore

People change and forget to tell each other. ~Lillian Hellman

The best way to mend a broken heart is time and girlfriends. ~Gwyneth Paltrow


Who knew Gwyneth Paltrow was so astute?

Monday, January 02, 2006

Resolutions - briefly

Some people don't believe in resolutions, mostly because they don't need one more thing looming over their head, and/or they don't want to deal with their disappointment in themselves when they don't actually do what they've resolved to do. I, being a glass half full kind of girl, think it is always a good idea to have a goal or two to start off the new year, or really at any time of the year. So, here is my ever growing list of resolutions.

1) Pay off my car. This will take the entire year but I'd like to have it mostly paid off by the time I have to start paying my student loans again. Of course that means I have to finish my thesis because I don't start paying back my loans until that's done. I don't know what I want more, to graduate in '06 or to put off my student loans some more. Putting of the loans is very attractive but how cool will that feel when I have no loans of any kind? I like that idea.

2) Stop obsessing about what boys are thinking by thinking more like the boys I'm obsessing about. Guys aren't freaking out that they called one too many times or they have a blemish. I'm making assumptions of course. I have no idea what they are thinking and that's part of the problem. So maybe my resolution is to turn off the tape in my brain and enjoy the moment. Right now that means I should get off the computer and go to the grocery store so I can get on with resolution number 4.

3) Write a list of 100 Things about me. This is on my list of things to do at 43Things. I think it will be worthwhile. I'll probably do it in installments here.

4) Eat vegetables. Popcorn does not count. Chocolate may have once been a plant but it no longer can be considered vegetable matter.

5) Save $5000. I'd like to have the $5000 be just in my savings account but so I don't disappoint myself I'm counting my 403B contributions as well. I'm doing this all with automatic withdrawals. It will be done without me doing anything at all. So it's probably the one resolution I will keep.

6) Finish my thesis. Whether that means in time to graduate in '06 or just finishing it this calendar year. I'm thinking I may be inspired to do it for '06. I'm not a natural procrastinator so the fact that I've put it off this long is odd.

What are your resolutions?

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy Freakin' New Year - I'm babbling

I'm in a mood. It's the whole post-holiday let down. Or maybe I just don't like Sunday nights even though I don't have to work tomorrow or even Tuesday. I have spent the last hour on MySpace searching for friends. Mayhaps I should have spent that time actually contacting friends? Ah, the problems of our modern world.

I now have a profile up on MySpace. I figure I might as well. Nothing in my life is sacred anymore. I'm on Match, Friendster, MySpace, 43 Things, UVScene...I'm all over the internet. What's interesting is encountering other people like myself who are sprinkled all over the world wide web. I see the same people on several websites. What's more interesting are the various personas people take on depending on the site. I think I'm more freespirited on MySpace, more focused on Match, pretty much relaxed on Friendster, and guarded on UVScene. Even though anyone can see any of my profiles on any of the sites there is still a different audience in the back of my mind at each site. The Match.com audience is pretty obvious - potential dates. I don't want to freak them out too early with my quirks but I also want to be pretty honest and get my point across. (FYI I have hidden my profile for the time being. I think I'll let a few new people join up for New Years resolutions and then I'll pop up again all fresh and new.) Friendster is mostly people I already know, including my Mom. UVScene is a very small crowd that I'm getting to know. I want to be myself but I'm wary of them getting to know me on-line before they get to know me in person. I don't know if that makes sense but there it is. MySpace - who the heck knows who the audience is. It's where all the cool kids hang out. It has that "look how cool I am" or maybe "look how stupid I can be but secretly I think I'm being cool" vibe.

I wonder what the internet is doing to first impressions? I mentioned sometime before that the guys I've gone on dates with were pretty much the way I thought they'd be based on their profiles. I wonder how I come across. Am I more flirty in my on-line persona? Do people expect certain things from me? I'm not one of those girls who post pictures of themselves in bikinis. For one thing I haven't worn a bikini since I was 5 and there is no way I'm putting a picture of me in a bathing suit up. Unless in the future I actually train for and look like I've trained for the half marathon I've signed up for. God help me. I hate running. I'm insane.

Anyway, as I said in the title of this post, I'm babbling. I'm in a mini-funk. The same funk I was in a week ago at exactly this time and day. And possibly for the same reason. I'm wishing HSG would contact me. I left him a voice mail. And we're supposed to get together tomorrow but I'm not 100% sure if that's happening, so...that horrible tape reel of doubt is going on in my head again. You know the one. The one where you question everything you've done with or said to the person and come to the inevitable conclusion that you are in fact a drearily uninteresting person who had ridiculous delusions of grandeur in hoping that someone could possibly find you attractive. I have that tape playing every so often. Not today though. Not yet. My current depressing soundtrack is more along the lines of he thinks I'm a stalker because I called him and emailed him one too many times and he already told me he has committment issues so it's my own damn fault and he's currently working up the courage to tell me he has contracted something gross and contagious so he doesn't have to see me. Sound familiar? Do guys do this too?

I feel better having vented. I think I'll go take a moment and work on my thesis. If I don't have a man at least I'll have a masters. Also, I'm hungry. But do I have food? Nope. I've got a few Lindt truffles and some microwave popcorn. Sounds like a single ladies dinner to me.