Friday, October 21, 2005

Three things

One - Having good old fashioned girlfriends is an amazing thing. I used to think it was much better to have male friends. Just hang out with the guys. I thought it was less messy, easier, and more fun. It is, to a point. Now that I've been dealing with the whole divorce and all the decisions leading up to it I can't praise my girlfriends enough. They've been there to laugh with, cry with, make a fool of myself with, and have boistered my spirit more than I ever would have thought. Maybe it's because we're almost 30 (and above) but the back stabbing, and bitchiness that I had always expected/feared/dreaded from a group of women isn't there. I guess I wasn't giving my own sex it's fair shot. I am woman here me roar! And giggle, and cry, and shimmy, and rage, and curl into the fetal position, and laugh hysterically. It's all good.

Two - In a moment of sheer and utter ballsiness, I sent a letter to a friend of mine whom I have had a crush on for the last decade. Yes, I said decade. Through college, through my marriage, and continuing still today. At least now I'm allowed to act on it. And so I did. I sent a letter to him confessing my feelings and asking for his response - via snail mail. I'm not sure what my thinking on that mode of delivery was. Maybe I thought if it actually weighed something it would carry more weight? But now I'm waiting anxiously for a response. Anything! A phone call, email, singing telegram, whatever. I don't even know if he got the letter yet. It is now day 3.5 since I put it in the mailbox. How long does mail take to get from NH to CA? What if he's gotten it and is freaked out? I wrote it in such a way that I don't think he would. Very factual, here's the deal, what's your deal?, don't spare my feelings if you don't feel the same way. Maybe he's polling our mutual friends to see what it all means and what they think. I hope not, it could get back to my not quite yet ex-spouse (papers have been filed) and I don't want him to hear it through the grapevine. I'd rather tell him myself - out of concern for his feelings, not to rub anything in his face. But only if something comes of it. If my CA friend says, "Thanks for being so honest but I only think of you as a friend." I will move on (Ha! I say that as if it will be easy) and try never to speak of it again (easier with my mouth full of Ben & Jerry's). If he says, "Yes! I love you too!" I'm on the first flight to CA to see him.

Three - I've already had an offer for a good old fashioned rebound roll in the hay. I'm tempted (really tempted. I need to sow some wild oats people. I've been with my spouse since I was 19 and only had one serious boyfriend before that. You figure it out.), but I'm not going there until I've been rejected by CA dream man because the "volunteer" is a mutual friend of myself, my dream guy, and my ex-spouse. My life is so complicated and interelated. But it's good to have options. Especially ones that won't make you fat (see Ben & Jerry's reference above.)

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