Monday, October 24, 2005

You know what I want?

I want someone to touch me like they mean it.

I'm not saying sexually (although I'm not ruling that out), I mean those little touches people in love (or at least supposedly in love) give each other. A guiding touch on the back, holding hands, leaning against each other, intimate touches that say "I'm with you and I like that." I've missed that. And for years. I didn't really have that in my marriage. My soon-to-be-ex-spouse wasn't a touchy feely kind of guy but add to that what I calculate as about 2 years of low grade underlying disinterest and you've got not a lot of the kind of touching I'm talking about. Even when it happened there was nothing behind it. It wasn't forced but at least slightly obligatory. Maybe it was forced. I don't know. Do you have any idea how that makes a girl feel? I want the kind of touch where you feel connected. The kind that makes you want to cry when you think how much of it you don't/didn't have.


P.S. Day 6 of Letter Watch. Still no response. Maybe he was away for the weekend or the letter hasn't arrived? A friend of mine who has lived in CA said he definitely didn't get the letter until at least Friday - I sent it Tuesday. It is now the following Monday and I'm trying hard to keep my head from spiraling down into depths of depression - sample flow of thoughts: I'm fat. I should just eat until I puke but then I'd be more fat and I'd never get a man and I can't sell my condo and I can't afford the rent and mortgage and I'm going to be poor and destitute and I'll have to go into prostitution but no one is gonna want to get with this because I'm fat...etc, etc, ad nauseum.


aeipote said...

I just read your blog. I think that it will be encouraging to rrecieve, at last one, comment. So, welcome to the club!

Sassy Pants said...

Thanks aeipote. I needed that!