Sunday, December 18, 2005

Emotional Strata

My mixed emotions are settling into a few layers. At the top is happiness - my life is pretty darn great. I'm meeting new people, experiencing that butterfly in your innards feeling, finding sparks, and just generally having a good time.

Under the happiness is a confused layer. What am I feeling right now? What in the heck am I doing with my life? Why am I not working on my thesis? Who the hell cares? WTF?

At the very bottom is sadness. Sadness that I'm not part of a couple anymore. I spent last night celebrating the birthday of a woman I think is just fabulous. I consider her a friend and mentor. The people at her party were also fabulous - interesting, engaging, independent. Another friend of mine, also in the midst of the chaos of the dating world, and I were the youngest ones at the party and except for an 83 year old widow everyone else was coupled. Many were on their second or third coupling but they were firmly entrenched in that couple. What was interesting was that it was hard to distinguish which person was coupled with who because, being the fabulous people that they are, everyone was mingling with everyone and making newbies to the group such as myself welcome. But when push came to shove, I knew that every so often they'd catch each others eye and acknowledge their couplehood in their own subtle ways - a wink, a nod, a secret smile. I miss that. And as much as I've deluded myself into thinking I'm having a great time dating all over the place what I really want is someone to love me and be a couple with. I'll enjoy what happens between now and then but I have to acknowledge that goal.

I have a second date with Math Teacher Guy today and an "ambiguously intentioned flirting hanging out meeting" today with someone I will call First Impression Guy. The first time I met him I didn't like him. He was talking with a friend of mine and they were talking way over my head about politics and some other topics I could have cared less about at the time. It made me feel very stupid. I have since had several one-on-one conversations with this person and he is not as high falutin' and esoteric as I first believed. He's still a little hard to read though. I think I'm meeting him somewhere this afternoon but it was very much "I'm going to be doing this thing at 4." and then sort of "You should come." There was no asking or any real clue that he wanted me specifically to go. We did have a really nice time ignoring a hockey game together this weekend (sorry N & N for ignoring you after he came and sat with us. I'm a horrible friend for dissing girlfriends for a guy! I should be flogged. But I know you understand and would do the same and I'd understand.) So we'll see. He's very cool to talk to. Maybe I'll ask him to dinner after the ambiguous meeting at the event.

P.S. In case you didn't notice I've added a list of blogs I read and also a "Male Call" so we can keep track of my dates their current status.

1 comment:

Dr.Nik said...

We're all onions.