Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy Freakin' New Year - I'm babbling

I'm in a mood. It's the whole post-holiday let down. Or maybe I just don't like Sunday nights even though I don't have to work tomorrow or even Tuesday. I have spent the last hour on MySpace searching for friends. Mayhaps I should have spent that time actually contacting friends? Ah, the problems of our modern world.

I now have a profile up on MySpace. I figure I might as well. Nothing in my life is sacred anymore. I'm on Match, Friendster, MySpace, 43 Things, UVScene...I'm all over the internet. What's interesting is encountering other people like myself who are sprinkled all over the world wide web. I see the same people on several websites. What's more interesting are the various personas people take on depending on the site. I think I'm more freespirited on MySpace, more focused on Match, pretty much relaxed on Friendster, and guarded on UVScene. Even though anyone can see any of my profiles on any of the sites there is still a different audience in the back of my mind at each site. The audience is pretty obvious - potential dates. I don't want to freak them out too early with my quirks but I also want to be pretty honest and get my point across. (FYI I have hidden my profile for the time being. I think I'll let a few new people join up for New Years resolutions and then I'll pop up again all fresh and new.) Friendster is mostly people I already know, including my Mom. UVScene is a very small crowd that I'm getting to know. I want to be myself but I'm wary of them getting to know me on-line before they get to know me in person. I don't know if that makes sense but there it is. MySpace - who the heck knows who the audience is. It's where all the cool kids hang out. It has that "look how cool I am" or maybe "look how stupid I can be but secretly I think I'm being cool" vibe.

I wonder what the internet is doing to first impressions? I mentioned sometime before that the guys I've gone on dates with were pretty much the way I thought they'd be based on their profiles. I wonder how I come across. Am I more flirty in my on-line persona? Do people expect certain things from me? I'm not one of those girls who post pictures of themselves in bikinis. For one thing I haven't worn a bikini since I was 5 and there is no way I'm putting a picture of me in a bathing suit up. Unless in the future I actually train for and look like I've trained for the half marathon I've signed up for. God help me. I hate running. I'm insane.

Anyway, as I said in the title of this post, I'm babbling. I'm in a mini-funk. The same funk I was in a week ago at exactly this time and day. And possibly for the same reason. I'm wishing HSG would contact me. I left him a voice mail. And we're supposed to get together tomorrow but I'm not 100% sure if that's happening, so...that horrible tape reel of doubt is going on in my head again. You know the one. The one where you question everything you've done with or said to the person and come to the inevitable conclusion that you are in fact a drearily uninteresting person who had ridiculous delusions of grandeur in hoping that someone could possibly find you attractive. I have that tape playing every so often. Not today though. Not yet. My current depressing soundtrack is more along the lines of he thinks I'm a stalker because I called him and emailed him one too many times and he already told me he has committment issues so it's my own damn fault and he's currently working up the courage to tell me he has contracted something gross and contagious so he doesn't have to see me. Sound familiar? Do guys do this too?

I feel better having vented. I think I'll go take a moment and work on my thesis. If I don't have a man at least I'll have a masters. Also, I'm hungry. But do I have food? Nope. I've got a few Lindt truffles and some microwave popcorn. Sounds like a single ladies dinner to me.

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