TMI re: Nuvaring

Let's just state right up front that this post is going to contain too much information. It's about birth control, the prescription kind. Any modern straight gal must think about it unless they like playing russian roulette with their ovaries. (Thanks N for correcting my previously heterocentric sentence.) There is nothing fun about birth control except that you can kind of have sex without freaking out that you may get pregnant. Of course you may get pregnant anyway (joy! rapture!) simply because the gods are not smiling upon you and you are the one in 100 for whom the statistics suck.

Pros of birth control:

• You are less likely to get pregnant.
• Sometimes your skin clears up.
• Less severe cramping.
• You have control of your own destiny, sort of.

Cons of birth control:

• If you are on the pill you have to remember to take it every day.
• Sometimes, as in my case, it can make you think you are bipolar, even at a low dose.
• It's just a general pain in the rear end that makes you paranoid. Like trying to figure out if you left your iron on in the morning (N, you know who you are.) Did I take it this morning? Did I get my prescription refilled? Do I have to visit the doctor and have her renew it soon?

I have not been on the pill for a couple of years. I felt like I had manic depression the last time I was on them so my X and I used good old condoms. Technology has changed slightly in the last couple of years so I decided to give BC another go. This time around I did not want to take the pill. No, that's not exactly true. I wanted to take a pill but I wanted to take Seasonale. You've probably seen the ads. Instead of taking a set of pills for a month and then getting your period you take the pills continuously for 3 months and only get your period 4 times a year. What's not to like about that? Well, I got myself a prescription, went down to the pharmacy, and was told my insurance wouldn't cover it so it would be $50 a month. I used to be able to get a three month supply of regular old BC for $15 so $150 was not an amount I was willing to spring for.

I trecked back to my doctor and discussed my options. I had been curious about Nuvaring so she wrote me a prescription for that, and just in case that also was not covered by my insurance she gave me another prescription for your garden variety low dose BC. My insurance did cover it but it was still $30/month. I will describe Nuvaring below and you can decide for yourself whether the convenience is worth the cost. I decided to give it a whirl.

You remember the 80s don't you? Neon mix and match socks, Hypercolor, Wake Me Up Before You Go Go? Do you also remember jelly bracelets? Well, Nuvaring is like a clear one of those that you insert in your vagina (here at Big Girl Underoos we try to use the real words for girl parts even though "HooHa" is fun to say.) and over the three weeks that you keep it in the hormones disperse and do their thing through osmosis. You then take it out for one week, have your period (joy! rapture!) and then start all over again.

Unlike the pill where your partner can remain blissfully unaware of the process by which you are preventing procreation, the Nuvaring has the potential to be noticed. In other words, you kind of have to tell the other person before they find it themselves and wonder if you have a tumor. I think this is more of an issue with phalanges, not phalluses. I just started this on Sunday so I have yet to, um, take it out for a spin. This means that I must have an awkward conversation with whoever I'm with.

"By the way, so that I do not have your unplanned child I have inserted a...um... do you remember jelly bracelets? Yeah, a medicinal one of those in my you know. If you find it while you're in there please know that it is noht ah tumah. Oh, and please leave it where it is. Let me know if it bothers you."

Just so you know, the ring does not sit in such a way that a penis is playing hula hoop. It sort of leans agains the side and hopefully moves out of the way when necessary. I'll let you know. God, the things a girl has to do to avoid having kids.

"A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't."
- Rhonda Hansom