Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Closure

I got married in a science building. It was where we met and spent most of our time. Believe me, it was much nicer than you are picturing. It had a 3 story atrium with a skylight and nice balconies and such. Anyway, it certainly wasn't a church.

My X lived with my ex-grandmother-in-law for many years growing up and, despite being a very big figure in my X's life, she did not go to our wedding. I was cleaning out my drawers and found a note from her from before the wedding explaining why. I find it very sad. I have no problem with people having faith and convictions but whatever happened to compassion? She wrote:

"I cannot be a witness at your wedding. It is hard for me to believe that you have turned your back on your Catholic Faith. Truly you have broken my heart. 'What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and suffer the loss of his own soul.' What a sad road you have chosen - never to be able to receive Holy Communion again. 'Unless you eat My flesh and drink My blood you shall not have life in you....Your mother, grandfather and I did our very best to take care of you physically, mentally, and spiritually - you lacked nothing...My love for you has not changed - I will pray for you every day for as long as I live."

I can't say that when we received that note I felt very good about it. She made no mention of me specifically (I think she knew better than that) but you can imagine how hurtful that letter was. My X acted like he didn't care but I knew he did. How could he not? At least she pulled it out in the end. She wasn't disowning or disavowing him, just his marriage to me. It sure does pull on the heart strings a little doesn't it?

She and I had a fine relationship while I was married. I just let her talk, which she was very good at doing, and I'd smiled and nod throughout the "conversation." Go along to get along. I don't think she was bothered by the divorce. After all, we were never really married in her eyes so except for the whole living in sin thing, my X is in the clear. Bring on the Rapture!

Anyway, that letter is now in the trash. It's ancient history and not something I need to dwell on. You know what else I put in the trash? My marriage license and related paperwork. The only twinge of regret or concern I felt was not knowing whether I'll need those documents to prove something random in court or to the IRS or something someday. I don't know what that would be but you never know. I'm not going to worry because I'm sure I can get copies from wherever the hell we got them in the first place. If I didn't need them at the divorce I don't think I'll need them anywhere else.

Other than that logistical concern, no feelings. It's over. It's been over for a long time. I am still discovering the wounds and soft spots left over from the relationship but they are healing. Poor Friendster Guy gets the brunt of it when we stumbles across a scar or two but he's patient and let's me struggle with my demons when they rear their ugly head. And he seems to understand they aren't about him. But there are sensitivities I have and situations I will not let myself repeat. I'm being very clear about what I need and how he can work with me to provide for those needs. I think he's taking it all in stride. I hope so. He may be very similar to my X in many superficial ways (name, home state, religion, only child) but I am learning from the past. History will not repeat itself.

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