Sometimes I wish I was stupid. To be oblivious would be so peaceful. Unfortunately, I am not (usually) an idiot. In fact, I think too much. WAY too much. I'm trapped in my own head. And it's becoming a problem. Especially in, shall we say, sexual matters.
I am incapable of speaking about sex. Sure I can joke around with my gal pals or speak clinically about the parts, but when it comes to saying "I want this" or "let's do that" I have a sheer and utter block between my brain/body and my mouth. I am an articulate, confident woman with no fear about speaking in public. I even looked into being a sex ed teacher once. And yet I can't ask for what I want, or even state "that feels good." What the fuck is my problem? Seriously!? WTF?
Why in the world do I have this particular issue? It makes no sense. I would love to be a brazen hussy. I mean it. I'd love to be able to walk into the room and say to Friendster Guy - "You! Come here and pleasure me. Here's how..." The likelihood of that happening in my current mental state is very, very low. However, I'm sure he'd be happy to oblige. Actually, that's the problem, I am NOT sure he or any other male would be turned on by that. Logically, I have no doubt that would be most guys' fantasy. But insecurity does not work logically. My greatest fear is that I'd say that and be rejected. Sadly, my past experience plays this out. Fucking baggage.
The problem with insecurity is that no matter how palpable it feels, it really and truly is all in ones own head. This is why I wish I was stupid, so I could escape my own head. Technically, I should be able to think the insecurity away. Or unthink it away. It's like worry or fear. There is nothing to it but at the same time it can be paralyzing.
I mentioned awhile ago that I purchased the book A Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex. I'm moving it to the top of my pile of things to read. I need help. If I learn anything good I'll let you know.
See, another problem is the whole "good girl" thing. I've always been a good girl, to the point of being Stepford-like. I was a Stepford daughter. Much to the chagrin of my younger, more crazy, sister, I never got in trouble. And it's not that I didn't get caught, I just never did anything wrong or even mildly dangerous. I was also a Stepford student. I was in all honors and AP classes and I graduated 6th out of 600 in high school. You can't get much more good student than that. Now I'm even a goddamn Stepford ex-wife. I've never been "bad". Or when I was it never felt good, for one reason or another. Again, I was stuck in my fucking head.
I'm going to work at getting unstuck. In the part of my head that I'm hoping to tap into I'm a voluptuous, sexy, sassy, sex fiend who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to get it. If Friendster Guy is willing to be patient and cognizant of my insecurity issues, he could be in for an interesting run. After all, practice makes perfect.
I am incapable of speaking about sex. Sure I can joke around with my gal pals or speak clinically about the parts, but when it comes to saying "I want this" or "let's do that" I have a sheer and utter block between my brain/body and my mouth. I am an articulate, confident woman with no fear about speaking in public. I even looked into being a sex ed teacher once. And yet I can't ask for what I want, or even state "that feels good." What the fuck is my problem? Seriously!? WTF?
Why in the world do I have this particular issue? It makes no sense. I would love to be a brazen hussy. I mean it. I'd love to be able to walk into the room and say to Friendster Guy - "You! Come here and pleasure me. Here's how..." The likelihood of that happening in my current mental state is very, very low. However, I'm sure he'd be happy to oblige. Actually, that's the problem, I am NOT sure he or any other male would be turned on by that. Logically, I have no doubt that would be most guys' fantasy. But insecurity does not work logically. My greatest fear is that I'd say that and be rejected. Sadly, my past experience plays this out. Fucking baggage.
The problem with insecurity is that no matter how palpable it feels, it really and truly is all in ones own head. This is why I wish I was stupid, so I could escape my own head. Technically, I should be able to think the insecurity away. Or unthink it away. It's like worry or fear. There is nothing to it but at the same time it can be paralyzing.
I mentioned awhile ago that I purchased the book A Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex. I'm moving it to the top of my pile of things to read. I need help. If I learn anything good I'll let you know.
See, another problem is the whole "good girl" thing. I've always been a good girl, to the point of being Stepford-like. I was a Stepford daughter. Much to the chagrin of my younger, more crazy, sister, I never got in trouble. And it's not that I didn't get caught, I just never did anything wrong or even mildly dangerous. I was also a Stepford student. I was in all honors and AP classes and I graduated 6th out of 600 in high school. You can't get much more good student than that. Now I'm even a goddamn Stepford ex-wife. I've never been "bad". Or when I was it never felt good, for one reason or another. Again, I was stuck in my fucking head.
I'm going to work at getting unstuck. In the part of my head that I'm hoping to tap into I'm a voluptuous, sexy, sassy, sex fiend who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to get it. If Friendster Guy is willing to be patient and cognizant of my insecurity issues, he could be in for an interesting run. After all, practice makes perfect.
Comments
what i've found works best for this is to talk about it when you're not naked, or getting into bed. when you're sitting across the table at dinner, or learning more about each other at the bar, spring the question, "what are your fantasies?" if you get him talking about his, he'll ask about yours. wouldn't it be cool if you had some of the same ones?
you might just pay up and go home and take care of one or more of your fantasies, or, if necessary, you could actually schedule some time to explore fantasies, clinically at first, if necessary, and then as you discover what you (both) like or dislike, it will become part of your sexual routine.
A very clever blogger wrote the other day questioning wether we ought to be doing it if we aren't able to talk about it. Excellent point I said to my self who has never been able to talk about it.