I'm baaack. Do do do do. Do do do do...
What a lovely vacation. Probably up there in my top three. The other two being vacations where I was by myself.
Why? Because I didn't have to do all the thinking and then hear all the complaining (subtle though it may have been) as to why my choices - which should have been our choices - were bad. My X had a tendency to make negative comments after the fact. Just enough to make me feel both bad and annoyed. Like this:
Me - Which way should we go? The scenic route or the highway.
Him - I don't know.
Me - Ok, we'll go the scenic route. That way we'll avoid the tourist traffic.
Driving, driving, driving. Hit construction or a parade or a herd of cows or something else beyond my control.
Him - I knew we should have taken the highway.
There is nothing inherently bad in his statement. But when someone constantly expresses their opinion that essentially your choice wasn't good and that is why we are in this predicament (despite the fact that they wouldn't make a decision in the first place) it begins to wear on you.
Luckily, Friendster Guy did not do this. I asked a question, he pondered for a moment, and he gave not only his choice but also a reason behind it. Or even more exciting, he asked me the question first. Do you know how nice it is not to have to think of every detail every single second? And not to worry that I'm going to be chastized for something beyond my control? So what if I suggest a restaurant that isn't exactly stellar? I've never been there either. It's not my fault!
It seems I have a little bit of residual bitterness about this. But I am getting better. I'll admit that part of my feeling bad is self-inflicted. I honestly don't think my X realized he was doing this. He's a fairly passive person. I'm pretty independent. We set up a dynamic where I was the decision maker and he was whatever he was. However, my response to his comments was the part I had control over. And I usually chose to take it personally. But you know what? I think I've learned to temper my responses and not take things so personally. Or at least to recognize when I'm taking things personally and take evasive action.
And what's extra nice is that Friendster Guy recognizes I may take things personally that shouldn't be taken that way, and he has now taken it upon himself (at least once) to make sure I don't do that by saying "I know this is something that you may take personally. That was not how it was meant. Do not take this personally." Which is good because I was sitting there desperately trying not to take it personally and chanting silently to myself "Don't take it personally. Don't take it personally.Don't take it personally."
That's not much about my vacation. Suffice it to say it was very good, really relaxing, and FG and I seem to have found ourselves on the same page. That page being our surprise at how well we got along. We're thinking DC next. Go us!
What a lovely vacation. Probably up there in my top three. The other two being vacations where I was by myself.
Why? Because I didn't have to do all the thinking and then hear all the complaining (subtle though it may have been) as to why my choices - which should have been our choices - were bad. My X had a tendency to make negative comments after the fact. Just enough to make me feel both bad and annoyed. Like this:
Me - Which way should we go? The scenic route or the highway.
Him - I don't know.
Me - Ok, we'll go the scenic route. That way we'll avoid the tourist traffic.
Driving, driving, driving. Hit construction or a parade or a herd of cows or something else beyond my control.
Him - I knew we should have taken the highway.
There is nothing inherently bad in his statement. But when someone constantly expresses their opinion that essentially your choice wasn't good and that is why we are in this predicament (despite the fact that they wouldn't make a decision in the first place) it begins to wear on you.
Luckily, Friendster Guy did not do this. I asked a question, he pondered for a moment, and he gave not only his choice but also a reason behind it. Or even more exciting, he asked me the question first. Do you know how nice it is not to have to think of every detail every single second? And not to worry that I'm going to be chastized for something beyond my control? So what if I suggest a restaurant that isn't exactly stellar? I've never been there either. It's not my fault!
It seems I have a little bit of residual bitterness about this. But I am getting better. I'll admit that part of my feeling bad is self-inflicted. I honestly don't think my X realized he was doing this. He's a fairly passive person. I'm pretty independent. We set up a dynamic where I was the decision maker and he was whatever he was. However, my response to his comments was the part I had control over. And I usually chose to take it personally. But you know what? I think I've learned to temper my responses and not take things so personally. Or at least to recognize when I'm taking things personally and take evasive action.
And what's extra nice is that Friendster Guy recognizes I may take things personally that shouldn't be taken that way, and he has now taken it upon himself (at least once) to make sure I don't do that by saying "I know this is something that you may take personally. That was not how it was meant. Do not take this personally." Which is good because I was sitting there desperately trying not to take it personally and chanting silently to myself "Don't take it personally. Don't take it personally.Don't take it personally."
That's not much about my vacation. Suffice it to say it was very good, really relaxing, and FG and I seem to have found ourselves on the same page. That page being our surprise at how well we got along. We're thinking DC next. Go us!
Comments
I have to say, it's incredible to me how much you seem to grow as a person with each blog post. I think it's really cool and admirable that you identify a problem and are able to zap it. And it's especially difficult to achieve this over a vacation! FG must bring out the best in you. :)
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