Monday, January 08, 2007

Man oh man and wife.

Phone rings.

Sassy Pants: Hello?

Female Voice: Hey, it's Amy!

Sassy Pants: (Amy who?) Amy...?

Female voice: Amy So-And-So!

Sassy Pants: Ohmygoshhi! (What the heck is she calling me for? She's never called me before. Oh yeah, she just got engaged.)

Amy So-And-So: What going on?!

Sassy Pants: (I hate that question. I mean, I could tell her that before she called I was heading into the bathroom to treat a yeast infection but that might be too much information. Or, I could fill her in on the last year of my life since that's at least how long it's been since we've spoken.) Not much. You?

Amy So-And-So: Have you heard the news? I'm engaged!

Sassy Pants: My sister told me just today! Congratulations! (Sort of. When I met your boyfriend he was an overbearing jerk and I was hoping you'd dump his ass. Sigh.) So when's the wedding?

Amy So-And -So: Not until Fall of 2008.

Sassy Pants: (Oh good, she'll have plenty of time to back out.) Great! Are you going to do it in town?

[interlude for requisite wedding discussion. I'm sure I put plenty of people through this myself back in the day. Payback's a bitch.]

Amy So-And-So: So anyway, um, I was wondering...would you be in my wedding?

Sassy Pants: ( 1) I don't like your fiance, 2) We were friends from age 3 to age 8 when I moved 4 hours away. Granted, there were a few times when I saw you over the years and when I did we got along fine but really, I don't even know you.) Of course! I'd be honored. (I'm such a two-faced bitch.)

Amy So-And-So: I'm so glad! I thought back over my life at the people who are the most important to me and it was you, my sister, my cousin and my friend Somebody and I want you all to be in it.

Sassy Pants: (You, my dear girl, have some weird nostalgia thing going on but since you are now engaged you are allowed to be a little crazy in the head.) Thank you for including me!

[commence requisite "now I have to get on the treadmill," "Looks like I should start counting carbs" conversation." Blah, blah, blah. Bye. Bye. Hang up.]

Sassy Pants turns to Friendster Guy: Looks like I'm gonna be a bridesmaid for Amy So-And-So.

Friendster Guy: Isn't that the woman with the boyfriend who's a jerk?

Sassy Pants: Yes! (That FG, he sure pays attention and remembers a hell of a lot of stuff.) You free in the fall of '08?

Friendster Guy: Sure. At least she'll have plenty of time to back out.

Sassy Pants: Exactly! [Then, to no one in particular] Did I even invite her to my wedding?

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