Skip to main content

Showers

In lieu of an actual real post of substance here's an email forward I got from one of my clients. I'm still trying to figure out where they put the camera in order to tape our morning routine.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing a long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc... Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower and stand on bathmat. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband
along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound. Look at your physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass. Get in the shower, wash your face, wash your armpits. Pee. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend the majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck to the soap. Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of
the shower. Avoid bathmat. Dry off forearms and butt only. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of the tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the"woo-woo" sound again! Throw wet towel on bed.

Comments

DecemberFlower said…
Wow. I imagine the author was a little disgruntled with her spouse. :P
12:02 PM
Queen Geek said…
Heheheheheheheheheheheheh.

That was funny.
11:18 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Gone by the wayside

I have no idea if anyone is reading this anymore. If you have been loyally checking back now and again I applaud you. At one point this blog was a therapeutic outlet for me. I'm glad to have a chronicle of my experiences during this time of my life. Now, however, instead of a creative outlet it's more of a nagging reminder that I should be posting and this girl does not need one more thing on her "To Do" list. I'd love for you to explore the archives if you so chose. If you have already done so, here's a brief update: Friendster Guy and I are still together and co-habitating. We are in domestic, but still unwedded, bliss (that status could be a post or two in and of itself, but, as I've just said, I'm done with that.) We're so domesticated we're in the market for granite countertops. We also just returned from an Aussie/New Zealand vacation and if 8 days in a tiny RV won't solidify (or destroy) a relationship nothing will. We're stronge
23 comments
Read more

Making Eye Babies

Colleges often have a lot of rules the students need to follow. After all, a bunch of 18-21 year olds can't really be expected to self-govern on their own, at least not 24/7, no matter how vehement they are that they can do just that. (I was 18-21 once myself so I know it's annoying to hear that. I don't mean all 18-21 year olds individually, I mean when they all get together in one place.) Then there are Christian Colleges which have more rules, often based on biblical teachings and moral dictates. Further down the spectrum is Bob Jones University* which considers the Christian colleges just too darn liberal so they piles on a bunch of morally based codes of behavior. Not to be outdone by the crazy liberal heathens at Bob Jones, Pensacola Christian College goes hog wild with the rules and moral imperatives and makes the Taliban look almost liberal. An article in the March 24th edition of the Chronicle of Higher Education explains some of the rules and regulations the stu
5 comments
Read more

Everything old is new again...

It's been 10 years since last I posted here. Ten. Years. I guess it is true that things on the internet never disappear. I'm honestly shocked I was able to log in. A quick update: Friendster Guy and I split up, amicably, 2 years ago. Since then I've dated 3 gentlemen, the most recent of which lasted a year but once again, ended. Amicably. I'm excellent at breakups apparently. I have just reentered the world of on-line dating and was thinking how I used to chronicle my exploits here. A lot of things have changed in the interim - texting, Facebook being open to all, the ubiquity of camera phones, a new generation of dating sites/apps. But, a lot of things haven't. Men are still...men. The technology may have changed, but the people behind the scenes are still the same. The main difference is that I'm now 15 years older. Maybe, just maybe, I'm also wiser. And maybe, if I cross my fingers really hard, so are the gentlemen I end up meeting. 
Post a Comment
Read more