In my fourth or fifth post to this blog, way back in October, I said I want someone to touch me like they meant it. Last night Friendster Guy did just that and I started to cry. We were lying in bed doing that pre-sleep snuggle when you're hands are just kind of wandering lightly with no goal in mind and he started to stroke my hair and run his finger down my face. And all of a sudden there was a crack in the wall I had put up for so long to protect myself from the lack of intimacy in my marriage. My eyes teared up and I got very quiet. He noticed right away but let me show him in my own time, just in case I didn't want him to know.
"Are you ok?" he asked, looking me in the eyes through the dark.
"Yeah... I don't know what my deal is." I shook my head against his chest. I struggled with wanting to tell him everything I was thinking and my inability to spit it out. "It's just that...I'm not used to tenderness." A pause while I hid another round of tears in his arm. "You stroking my hair makes me want to cry." I finally managed to say. And then quickly, "but I like it."He continued stroking my hair.
"Sorry." I said.
"There's nothing for you to be sorry about." he replied, holding me tighter, stroking my hair with more intention, and then kissing me on the top of the head.
Sigh...
"Are you ok?" he asked, looking me in the eyes through the dark.
"Yeah... I don't know what my deal is." I shook my head against his chest. I struggled with wanting to tell him everything I was thinking and my inability to spit it out. "It's just that...I'm not used to tenderness." A pause while I hid another round of tears in his arm. "You stroking my hair makes me want to cry." I finally managed to say. And then quickly, "but I like it."He continued stroking my hair.
"Sorry." I said.
"There's nothing for you to be sorry about." he replied, holding me tighter, stroking my hair with more intention, and then kissing me on the top of the head.
Sigh...
Comments