I have lingerie issues. The kind of issues that potentially need therapy.
I have owned two pieces of lingerie in my life. That's right, two*.One, a black teddy, purchased for me. The other a maroon slip thing I think I purchased for myself. Neither did I feel at all comfortable in. With the first, I was not yet comfortable in my own skin and although the purchaser seemed to like it, during the rest of the relationship I was often put down and made to feel fat and unattractive (He's since apologized and wished he could go back in time and kick his own ass. I'd encourage him strongly to find a way to do that.)
The second item I was also uncomfortable in. Part of it being that the person for whom the lingerie was meant didn't really seem to care one way or another if I had it on. He wouldn't have cared one way or another if I had been buck naked with a bow on that said "take me I'm yours," so I can't blame the slip too much.
Anyway, my issue. Lingerie is not for women. It is for men. I have yet to be made to feel comfortable by a man while wearing lingerie. The thought of going out and buying something to be once more rejected for my effort, or put down and made to feel ashamed, honestly makes me want to burst into tears. (See my previous post on Victoria's Secret)
On the one hand, I understand the allure of lingerie for a man. If a female is wearing it it often indicates they are ready for sex. Since men don't get subtlety it's nice when we essentially wear a sign that says "Come and Get Me." (Unless of course they can't read the sign for whatever reason.) And guys, being the visual creatures they are, like the visual stimulation. I happen to be aurally stimulated. If I hear a couple in the next hotel room going at it, well, it won't be long before I return the favor. I'm pretty sure I was part of some sort of competition this one time in Quebec. But I digress...
A woman wearing sexy lingerie needs to know that she looks sexy. Specifically, Sassy Pants wearing sexy lingerie needs to know that she looks sexy. She also needs to know that you think she's sexy and desirable even if she's wearing an old Planet Hollywood T-shirt and sweatpants.
I'm at a point in my relationship where it would be nice to surprise Friendster Guy with a little something more than a tan bra, cotton briefs, and sweats. But I am honestly so averse to going to buy lingerie, in whatever form, that the thought of it is making me tear up as I write. I wouldn't have thought my experiences were all that bad but something at some point messed up my head on this issue. Believe me, I want to be sexy. I want to be free with my sexuality. I want to wear garters or something slinky or, hell, even a french maids outfit (I LOVE costumes, although none have ever made it into the bedroom). The crux of the issue is that when I have worn lingerie, which to me is a very vulnerable act, that vulnerability has bitten me in the ass and I've lost any power I had in the relationship. There has to be a balance, an equality, not one person being lessened by the experience. And my experiences with losing my power and confidence are symbolized by lingerie.
Damn you Victoria whoever you are! Your secret is that you make woman feel shitty about themselves either by wearing your garments or by making us feel unfeminine if we don't. Fuck you too Fredrick.
*This does not count the bag of lingerie that my ex-mother-in-law gave me that had been hers. Her intentions were good but I don't think she was thinking the implication through. "Hey, X, isn't this sexy? It was your Mom's." Blech. Shiver.
I have owned two pieces of lingerie in my life. That's right, two*.One, a black teddy, purchased for me. The other a maroon slip thing I think I purchased for myself. Neither did I feel at all comfortable in. With the first, I was not yet comfortable in my own skin and although the purchaser seemed to like it, during the rest of the relationship I was often put down and made to feel fat and unattractive (He's since apologized and wished he could go back in time and kick his own ass. I'd encourage him strongly to find a way to do that.)
The second item I was also uncomfortable in. Part of it being that the person for whom the lingerie was meant didn't really seem to care one way or another if I had it on. He wouldn't have cared one way or another if I had been buck naked with a bow on that said "take me I'm yours," so I can't blame the slip too much.
Anyway, my issue. Lingerie is not for women. It is for men. I have yet to be made to feel comfortable by a man while wearing lingerie. The thought of going out and buying something to be once more rejected for my effort, or put down and made to feel ashamed, honestly makes me want to burst into tears. (See my previous post on Victoria's Secret)
On the one hand, I understand the allure of lingerie for a man. If a female is wearing it it often indicates they are ready for sex. Since men don't get subtlety it's nice when we essentially wear a sign that says "Come and Get Me." (Unless of course they can't read the sign for whatever reason.) And guys, being the visual creatures they are, like the visual stimulation. I happen to be aurally stimulated. If I hear a couple in the next hotel room going at it, well, it won't be long before I return the favor. I'm pretty sure I was part of some sort of competition this one time in Quebec. But I digress...
A woman wearing sexy lingerie needs to know that she looks sexy. Specifically, Sassy Pants wearing sexy lingerie needs to know that she looks sexy. She also needs to know that you think she's sexy and desirable even if she's wearing an old Planet Hollywood T-shirt and sweatpants.
I'm at a point in my relationship where it would be nice to surprise Friendster Guy with a little something more than a tan bra, cotton briefs, and sweats. But I am honestly so averse to going to buy lingerie, in whatever form, that the thought of it is making me tear up as I write. I wouldn't have thought my experiences were all that bad but something at some point messed up my head on this issue. Believe me, I want to be sexy. I want to be free with my sexuality. I want to wear garters or something slinky or, hell, even a french maids outfit (I LOVE costumes, although none have ever made it into the bedroom). The crux of the issue is that when I have worn lingerie, which to me is a very vulnerable act, that vulnerability has bitten me in the ass and I've lost any power I had in the relationship. There has to be a balance, an equality, not one person being lessened by the experience. And my experiences with losing my power and confidence are symbolized by lingerie.
Damn you Victoria whoever you are! Your secret is that you make woman feel shitty about themselves either by wearing your garments or by making us feel unfeminine if we don't. Fuck you too Fredrick.
*This does not count the bag of lingerie that my ex-mother-in-law gave me that had been hers. Her intentions were good but I don't think she was thinking the implication through. "Hey, X, isn't this sexy? It was your Mom's." Blech. Shiver.
Comments