I'm peeved this morning. My X is asking for my sister's address because he wants to send her a Mother's Day card. I think that's very sweet and nice and thoughtful. I'll give him that. But where was this nice and sweet and thoughtful person when we were together?
Valentine's Day always went by with me having to make all the plans and also counter arguments that it is a made up holiday. "Yes, dear, it is a made up holiday but they are ALL made up. Arbor Day didn't just spring into existence out of the ether. They were created so we could take a step back and celebrate something. In the case of Valentine's Day that would be our supposed love for one another. It is not for hosting a 5 hour D&D game at our house."
For my last birthday I had to make my own reservations (after repeated and not subtle suggestions as to what I would like to do. I sent him a GD link for Pete's sake.) And I told him what I wanted, plain black earrings - small, maybe a little dangly, something I could wear with all my black clothing. He whined - on the day before my birthday - that he couldn't find any earrings and that we were going to a different restaurant and he wasn't making reservations because it was a Wednesday so we shouldn't have any problems. Gee. Thanks for making an effort.
Now you may think that I was a little bit of a nag giving him all these instructions. But after 10 years of similar behavior - or at least steadily dwindling behavior where I came to see myself as less and less important in his eyes because of his actions (or lack thereof) - I knew that if I didn't provide some sort of guidance I would end up cooking myself dinner on my own birthday. Not cool. So yes, he's being very considerate by sending my sister a Mother's Day card. But WTF? I won't even go into who had to buy his Mother's Christmas presents and then got complaints about her choices.
Grrr...
But luckily, not my problem anymore. Except in a way it is because he's still so attached to my family. No wonder they think he's wonderful - they're getting cards from him. Did I think to send my sister a Mother's Day card? No. But I'm not a card person. So look who's gonna be the golden boy. My X. I don't think my family understands why we got divorced in the first place. It's hard for anyone outside any relationship to understand. But if I try to explain now they won't even believe me. "What do you mean? He's so thoughtful! He sent me a card." Blah blah blah bullshit blah blah blah. Maybe he learned something from the divorce. Let's hope so.
Valentine's Day always went by with me having to make all the plans and also counter arguments that it is a made up holiday. "Yes, dear, it is a made up holiday but they are ALL made up. Arbor Day didn't just spring into existence out of the ether. They were created so we could take a step back and celebrate something. In the case of Valentine's Day that would be our supposed love for one another. It is not for hosting a 5 hour D&D game at our house."
For my last birthday I had to make my own reservations (after repeated and not subtle suggestions as to what I would like to do. I sent him a GD link for Pete's sake.) And I told him what I wanted, plain black earrings - small, maybe a little dangly, something I could wear with all my black clothing. He whined - on the day before my birthday - that he couldn't find any earrings and that we were going to a different restaurant and he wasn't making reservations because it was a Wednesday so we shouldn't have any problems. Gee. Thanks for making an effort.
Now you may think that I was a little bit of a nag giving him all these instructions. But after 10 years of similar behavior - or at least steadily dwindling behavior where I came to see myself as less and less important in his eyes because of his actions (or lack thereof) - I knew that if I didn't provide some sort of guidance I would end up cooking myself dinner on my own birthday. Not cool. So yes, he's being very considerate by sending my sister a Mother's Day card. But WTF? I won't even go into who had to buy his Mother's Christmas presents and then got complaints about her choices.
Grrr...
But luckily, not my problem anymore. Except in a way it is because he's still so attached to my family. No wonder they think he's wonderful - they're getting cards from him. Did I think to send my sister a Mother's Day card? No. But I'm not a card person. So look who's gonna be the golden boy. My X. I don't think my family understands why we got divorced in the first place. It's hard for anyone outside any relationship to understand. But if I try to explain now they won't even believe me. "What do you mean? He's so thoughtful! He sent me a card." Blah blah blah bullshit blah blah blah. Maybe he learned something from the divorce. Let's hope so.
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maybe it's just me (you know, 29 and still single), but even minimal amounts of respect for days that are even fake-special (like, say, a seven-month anniversary) are not a lot of effort. in fact, it's usually more effort to overlook them.
In the last two years I did do quite a lot of introspection and, as a result, I am no longer married. (Yeah!) Friendster Guy can probably attest to my new found self-worth and ability to ask for what I want and need. I've had more honest conversations with him in 5 months than with X in ten years. I've definitely grown and learned from the situation.
The problem with my marriage was that it wasn't that bad. Until it was. There was always something else going on in my life that I thought was the problem (and often was) so until everything else was steady and I was able to realize, "gee! I got a new great job and I'm still not happy?" I couldn't see the forest for the trees. Or that at the base of everything, the marriage wasn't all that good for me. finally I discoveres I wasn't willing to live as someone's number two priority. And that is what I had become. The marriage probably lasted as long as it did because I still liked the guy. I still like the guy. He's a good guy. He's just clueless. And we had set up situations and roles at the beginning of the relationship that we stayed stuck in. I was playing the role of "independent woman" so he (and I for that matter) thought I was perfectly happy being alone a lot, hanging out with my friends, taking solo vacations. But when it came down to it there was nothing connecting us back to each other. And realizing that was when it ended.
Gosh this couch is comfortable.