Monday, February 12, 2007

What is wrong with me?!

My X husband seems to have, pardon my French, fucked me up when it comes to Valentine's Day. I have some serious issues. Some burst into tears at work level issues.

My need to know, my need to feel appreciated, and my need to not be a nag are currently in conflict and stressing me out. How does one go about making sure there are plans, without thereby inducing someone to make plans, which then means that the plans may not be all that genuine in the first place? It's a conundrum.

If Valentine's Day existed to make people feel bad about themselves, it would be succeeding at its goals. It's not just the singles that suffer. It's also a day for people in relationships to be reminded of how little their partner cares about them. In my case, I am talking about my X. My indifferent, you are 4th or 5th on my list of priorities, I don't love you although I'm not going to realize it until you decide to divorce me, X. Just because the divorce was amicable, doesn't mean the years leading up to it didn't sting like a mo'fo. I'm only now realizing how much it did, and that those stings left some scars.

I don't want to be this person. I'm trying not to be this person. I'm also trying desperately not to project any of this onto Friendster Guy. He is not my X. He is nothing like my X. It's unfortunate that he has to play a role in this struggle of mine. I hope I've been giving him enough warning so he'll know if he's about to kick open some baggage. I hope he knows how unfair I know it is that he has to dodge this mine field. He's a good guy and I have no doubt that he cares about me.

A box of chocolates or some stuffed animal is not really going to make that much difference in the long run. But in the short term, it may heal some wounds. When romance is built into the relationship, and love is a given, who the heck cares about a bouquet of flowers on February 14? Maybe someday I'll be able to think of Valentine's Day as just another day. I'm looking forward to that time.

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