Big Girl Underoos

About a half an hour ago I had an aha! moment. I was driving in my car and realized that while I was at the Halloween party last night I never had a single negative body image thought. I didn't think about how my arms are too fat and have a farmer's tan or whether I should suck in my stomach or even about the two huge zits that are slowly emerging from the sides of my face. Nothing. Zilch. Zero. I thought I looked fabulous and everyone else should think so too. That's amazing. And a first. Let's see how long I can maintain this new found confidence and self-esteem. Wouldn't it be nice if it were permanent.

So my friends in the "slow down" camp are totally losing. I have a date (at least I think it's a date) with an old friend next weekend. It's hard to know if it's a date because a) we already know each other and b) I asked him and c) he's currently going through a divorce as well. I'm not sure if he thinks it's a date or not. But based on some potentially flirty email since I asked him if he wanted to go to dinner and compare divorce war stories I do think it's a date. Go me. Here's where the not slowing down part comes in even more. I was at a Halloween party this evening (looking particularly cute/sexy if I may say so myself) and met a very nice and gentlemanly man (as opposed to the guy in the Prince costume who rubbed himself all over me.) Anyway, because the party was for graduate students I figured at age 29 I was one of the older folks. When this nice guy told me he was in his first year at med school I was sure he was 22 and wrote him of...

After sleeping on it, I've come to realize that I was not actually in love with dream boy. I was in love with the idea of being in love with dream boy. Any relationship we might have had would have paled in comparison with my imagined (i.e. idealized and romanticized) relationship. That wouldn't have been fair to him and it wouldn't have been fair to me. I still think he's incredibly sexy and if he actually wanted to pursue a relationship later on and lived in my timezone I'd definitely take him up on a date or two. Until that time, I'm perfectly content to be friends with him. Some of you are probably thinking I'm schizophrenic and/or multiple personality given the short period of time in which I've gone from head over heels to logical and spock-like. But any of you who've ever gone to therapy should recognize that just the act of verbalizing something you've been thinking about relaxes it's grip on you. That crush had a grip like a mo' ...

My girlfriends are now in two camps - on the one side is the "you're moving too fast" group and on the other side is the "You go girl, sow those wild oats." Sometime the two collide and overlap. What my friends who say I am moving too fast think is that I need some "me" time. What they don't quite understand is that I've had "me" time for the last couple of years. I've gone on several vacations by myself, and practically been living with a roomate. In fact, two years ago I even suggested to my spouse that that was what we were. It didn't really cause him to turn up the volume on anything. Here I was asking for a partnership, passion, and connection and nothing really happened. I didn't realize it at the time but in hindsight I've been exploring my life as a single person for about a year or so, safely and with no malice. Just testing the waters - was I comfortable thinking about myself with someone else or being all al...

Mornin’ Now that my “CA dreamboy as boyfriend” fantasy has been shattered and I’ve had a chance to sleep on it I feel a lot better, well, a little better. I’m feeling pretty confident that I can uncurl from the fetal position and move forward. Which was exactly my goal. Don’t get me wrong, I still like the heck out of him but now that I know where I stand it’s a little easier to find solid ground. You have to admit, I was pretty brave to just let it all out like that. I think part of me feeling better is just that - letting the whole scenario play itself out to what I imagined was (but hoped wasn't) its inevitable end anyway (my fantasy end was a lot more fun though just so you know). I’m looking forward to getting back to being friends. I think a phone conversation is warranted just to get any residual weirdness out of the way sooner than later. I hope he's up for it. I'm sure he is, it's why I like him so much in the first place. I've got to uncurl myself from th...

Looks like I'm in the market for a new dream boy. The one I've pined over for the last decade doesn't pine for me. This SUCKS. I'm glad he was honest but he didn't even bother calling. He told me over email. But maybe that was better. At least I didn't burst into tears in front of him. I could do it in the privacy of my own home instead. And will continue to do so for as long as it takes. The purpose of my letter was to move forward in one direction or the other. Unfortunately I have to move in the direction I didn't want to. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I think I'll go curl into the fetal position now.

I want someone to touch me like they mean it. I'm not saying sexually (although I'm not ruling that out), I mean those little touches people in love (or at least supposedly in love) give each other. A guiding touch on the back, holding hands, leaning against each other, intimate touches that say "I'm with you and I like that." I've missed that. And for years. I didn't really have that in my marriage. My soon-to-be-ex-spouse wasn't a touchy feely kind of guy but add to that what I calculate as about 2 years of low grade underlying disinterest and you've got not a lot of the kind of touching I'm talking about. Even when it happened there was nothing behind it. It wasn't forced but at least slightly obligatory. Maybe it was forced. I don't know. Do you have any idea how that makes a girl feel? I want the kind of touch where you feel connected. The kind that makes you want to cry when you think how much of it you don't/didn't have. ...

I have to tell you the most obnoxious thing that happened when I told my family I was getting a divorce. My brother and brother-in-law debated if I was a lesbian! What?! Just because I didn't want to be with a guy they liked meant I must like women. I have plenty of lesbian friends, some very near and dear to me, so I have no problem with that moniker but why would people I've known for most of my life go straight to that conclusion? Men! Can't live with them, can't get them to respond to your undying love confession letters fast enough.

One - Having good old fashioned girlfriends is an amazing thing. I used to think it was much better to have male friends. Just hang out with the guys. I thought it was less messy, easier, and more fun. It is, to a point. Now that I've been dealing with the whole divorce and all the decisions leading up to it I can't praise my girlfriends enough. They've been there to laugh with, cry with, make a fool of myself with, and have boistered my spirit more than I ever would have thought. Maybe it's because we're almost 30 (and above) but the back stabbing, and bitchiness that I had always expected/feared/dreaded from a group of women isn't there. I guess I wasn't giving my own sex it's fair shot. I am woman here me roar! And giggle, and cry, and shimmy, and rage, and curl into the fetal position, and laugh hysterically. It's all good. Two - In a moment of sheer and utter ballsiness, I sent a letter to a friend of mine whom I have had a crush on for the las...

I'm surrounded by friends and family who love me, check in on me, and make sure I have plenty to do and yet I am sad and depressed. It could be the weather - it's been raining for the last week or so - it could be the PMS, or it could be the situation I find myself in. I'm moving this weekend. Out of my beautiful, bright, mine-all-mine condo into an apartment. Don't get me wrong, I like the apartment. It's got lots of light. Even a window in the bathroom which to me says "Hey girl, you've arrived." My (our) condo didn't have one. My soon to be ex-spouse (STBX) has already moved out. He's been gone a week or so. He's helping me move. Have I mentioned that this split is amicable? To the point of being almost ridiculous? It's definitely made the process easier logistically but sometimes I wish I hated him. Like when I burst into tears in my office after we'd just signed the papers with a notary who works in my building. It was just so ...

So, it seems that everyone and their mother has a blog these days. I'm not exactly a bandwagon jumper but in this case I thought why the hell not? I like to talk about myself and sometimes I even have interesting things to say. Or so I think. One nice thing about a blog is you can always leave if I'm boring you. Have a lovely day either way. About myself and why I think I need a blog: Well, after 7.5 years of marriage I signed divorce papers yesterday. So what? you ask. Lots of people get divorced . True, but I've been married since I was 21 and before that had only one serious boyfriend. Here's the kicker, they were both really good friends before things got serious so I have never been on a real date of the "get to know you" variety. Never. I've never even been hit on in a bar. I'm not unattractive. Granted I'm more Janine Garafolo than Angelina Jolie, but who isn't? In addition to being newly single, inexperienced at dating, and on the ver...